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Transcript: The Get New Gear Offense
[School bell ringing, upbeat music plays, banging, laughing, slide whistle, whistle blaring]
A drawing features Midvale school posters taped to double doors. In live-action, Aoife throws the doors open. She stands in a school hallway lined with lockers on each side. Aoife has her long blonde hair in pigtails and wears a blue basketball jersey with the Midvale Vipers logo on the front. Text reads, “Phew.” In a drawing of a gymnasium filled with people on the bleachers, live-action Zara points at her watch while Nyla throws a basketball to Aoife. Zara has her long black hair in a ponytail, and Nyla’s brown hair is in two braids. Both wear their Vipers jerseys. Aoife catches the basketball and spins it on her finger. In an animation, a water balloon hits Aoife, and text reads, “Sploosh!” In the bleachers, Conor, who has short brown hair, holds a water balloon. Clanger sits beside him and points. He has short, dark brown hair. The head teacher, Mr. Holt, arrives and text reads, “Woah.” Mr. Holt has short blond hair and a moustache. Charlotte points a hair dryer at Aoife, and her pigtails fly up in the air. Charlotte wears her brown hair in a bun. Text reads, “Wooosh!” Aoife dribbles the ball and trips. Text reads, “Epic Fail.”
Singers sing, DOOT, DOOT, DOO, DOO, DOOT, DOOT, DOO, DOOT.
Title: “High Hoops.”
B.B.C. Created and written by Sinéad Fagan. Director: Ian Curtis.
[Squelching, upbeat music plays]
On a sports field, Aoife holds a bag and scoops dog feces off the grass. Nearby, Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara hold bags and scoop more feces. Mr. Holt stands on the grass and supervises.
Aoife groans, UGH.
[Retching, boys laughing, girls giggling]
Behind them, the football team sits on two benches and watches. Jessica and a friend walk on the field, smiling behind their hands.
Aoife tells us, SO I'M CURRENTLY SHOVELLIN' UP...DOGGY DOO-DOO.
On the bench, Clanger yells, OI, POO PATROL, YOU MISSED SOME!
[Boys laughing raucously]
Mr. Holt smiles. Nearby, Conor winces. With Robert Webb as Mr. Holt.
Aoife tells us, IT IS POSSIBLE TO REMAIN COOL. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE BEING WATCHED BY THE MOST HANDSOMEST BOY EVER.
Between the benches, Dylan leans, unsmiling, against a metal pole.
[Charlotte, Zara, Jessica retching, Clanger laughing, splatting]
Aoife slips on dog feces and falls on her back on the grass.
Aoife shouts, AH!
[Boys laughing raucously, Jessica and her friend giggling]
Dylan lets go of the metal bar and steps towards Aoife. She sits up.
Aoife says, UGH.
[Shuddering, boys laughing]
Aoife shakes her head.
Aoife tells us, SO HERE'S THE REWIND.
[Tape rewinding, school bell ringing, students chattering]
At school, Aoife walks in a hallway.
Aoife tells us, FIRST 3 V 3 LEAGUE MATCH TODAY. AGAINST JESSICA AND THE COMETS.
[Upbeat music plays, footsteps thumping]
A headline over the Comets and Vipers logos and an empty basketball court reads, “3 x 3 Basketball Coming Up.” At school, Aoife walks down a staircase.
Aoife tells us, THIS IS HUGE. BUT WE'RE READY. BRING IT.
A poster on the wall features a photograph of Dylan, and in animation, pink hearts float around the poster and Aoife’s head. Text on the poster reads, “Star Striker, Star Striker, Star Striker.”
Aoife tells us, DYLAN, STAR OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. I'VE LOVED HIM SINCE I FIRST LAID EYES ON HIM. THREE WHOLE DAYS.
Zara says, EYES ON ME.
[Fingers snapping, upbeat music continues]
Zara stands on the stairs. Behind her, Charlotte and Nyla stand with their arms crossed. Pink hearts float around Aoife’s head as she turns around. Zara holds a sheet of paper in a sheet protector.
Zara says, MATCH PACK. CONTAINS DIRECTIONS, GAME STATS, AND OUR BLOOD TYPES.
Charlotte smiles and points at Aoife. Jagged pink lines appear on a purple background behind her.
Charlotte says, I ADDED OUR STAR SIGNS TOO.
In a hallway, Jim walks wearing a bike helmet, carrying a bag, and pushing a blue bike.
Jim says, SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW!
Behind him, Nyla says, AH, JIM, WE HAVE A MATCH.
Jim says, AH, YES. THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS BAG OF SPORT CLOTHES. RIGHT, PUT YOUR GEAR ON.
[Rustling]
Jim throws differently-coloured shirts and shorts to Zara and Charlotte. Later, the Vipers return wearing the clothes. Aoife wears a stained grey tank top and green shorts, Charlotte wears a grey tank top and grey shorts, Zara wears a blue tank top and grey shorts, and Nyla wears a dark blue long-sleeve shirt with dark grey shorts. In animation, fumes rise from the clothes as the team walks towards Jim.
Aoife says, WHAT ARE THESE? I MEAN, THE SMELL. AND WHAT IS THAT STAIN?
Nyla says, BEST GUESS - RANCID EGG SALAD, CHORIZO JUICE, AND (UNCLEAR).
[Aoife scoffing]
Aoife asks, HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY WEARING THIS?
[Conor laughing]
Conor stands behind Charlotte.
Conor says, OH, THEY WON'T.
[Aoife imitating Conor’s laughing]
Aoife says, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT TOTALLY INVISIBLE.
Conor says, I AM NOT.
[Thumping]
A red-haired girl bumps into Conor.
The red-haired girl says, SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
[Paper rustling]
Jim holds papers and a staple gun.
Jim says, OKAY, FIX YOUR NUMBER ON. BUT TAKE YOUR TOP—
[Staple gun stapling]
Aoife staples the number 11 to her stomach.
Aoife says, OW!
Jim continues, OFF FIRST. THAT'S A LEVEL TWO LACERATION.
Aoife asks, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WHO DO I COMPLAIN TO?
[Whooshing, background chattering, keys jingling, rhythmic music plays]
The Midvale school crest spins over students in front of the school. Conor leaves the school, and Brid meets him, holding out keys.
Brid says, YOU'LL HAVE TO LET YOURSELF IN, I HAVE A MINDFULNESS CLASS! I'M CURRENTLY THE BEST AT BEING RELAXED. OOH, WHO'S YOUR LITTLE FRIEND?
Clanger stands beside Conor.
Clanger says, I'M CLANGER. AND I'M NOT LITTLE.
Brid says, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT, CLANGY, MY MISTAKE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BACK WITH CONOR FOR SQUASH AND BISCUITS?
Clanger says, CAN'T, I HAVE A FOOTBALL MATCH. I'M THE GOALIE. I ALSO SCARE PEOPLE.
Brid says, GOOD FOR YOU.
Brid pinches Clanger’s cheek.
Brid says HEY, CONOR, WHY DON'T YOU TRY OUT FOR THE TEAM TOO?
Brid walks away.
Clanger says, I COULD DO WITH A HYPE MAN. PLUS, TEAM'S WORSHIPPED.
A boy with curly hair gives Clanger a bottle.
The curly-haired boy says, SPORTS DRINK FOR THE MATCH.
Conor says, JUST BEING RECOGNIZED IS COOL. SLIGHT ISSUE. I SUCK.
Clanger says, YEAH, I KNOW, I'VE SEEN YOU PLAY.
Conor asks, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET ME ON THE TEAM?
Clanger replies, IS MY HYPE MAN DOUBTING ME?
Conor says, NOT FOR A SECOND. CLANGY.
[Lid snapping, background chattering]
Conor punches Clanger’s arm and grabs the bottle. Clanger takes the bottle away and closes the lid.
[Whistle blaring, thudding, rustling]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The letters in the title fall. Outside the school, Mr. Holt shakes the hand of a tall boy with straight hair and gives him a football uniform. More uniforms and colourful vuvuzelas lie on a table beside him.
Mr. Holt says, WELL DONE, HUDSON, VERY GOOD TODAY. YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE A SPORTSMAN. YOU'RE VERY TALL NOW, DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY. HERE WE ARE.
[Background chattering, bike wheel rattling]
Aoife and Nyla walk beside Jim. The Vipers wear bright orange tank tops over their shirts.
Aoife says, BRAND-NEW KIT? WHY DON'T THE VIPERS GET GEAR LIKE THIS?
Nyla says, THOSE EXTRA PADDED SOCKS MAKE THE PLAYERS SOFT. BUT I'M LOVIN' THOSE FOOTBALL VUVUZELAS.
Jim says, MY SUGGESTION.
[Vuvuzela blaring, chuckling]
Jim takes a vuvuzela out of his bag and plays it.
Jim says, WELL, IT WAS BETWEEN THIS AND GIANT FOAM FINGERS.
[Boinging]
Mr. Holt holds up a red foam finger.
Jim says, AH, HE GOT BOTH!
[Jim chuckling]
Charlotte says, HOLT GETS THEM A NEW KIT EVERY YEAR. EVERY OTHER SPORT IS ON A LIST.
Nyla says, YEAH, WE'RE LINED UP FOR 2042.
Zara says, EVEN THEN, OUR SPONSOR WILL PROBABLY BE MR. SIMONS - OWNER OF THE BIG JOKE SHOP ON THE HIGH STREET.
[Cheerful music plays, slide whistle]
In front of The Big Joke Shop, Mr. Simons wears a costume that makes it appear that he’s riding a blue dinosaur. He smiles and lifts his cowboy hat.
In the school yard, Aoife says, I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
Aoife walks to Mr. Holt.
Aoife says, MR. HOLT.
[Upbeat music plays, background chattering]
Mr. Holt stops smiling.
Mr. Holt says, OH, MS. O'NEILL, WHAT TRIVIALITIES ARE ON TODAY'S AGENDA?
Aoife says, THE VIPERS SHOULD BE RESPECTED AS A PROPER TEAM AND GET DECENT GEAR.
Mr. Holt says, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE.
Aoife says, WAIT, REALLY?
Mr. Holt says, MM. JUST REMIND ME WHAT TITLES YOU'VE WON AND I'LL HAVE IT ARRANGED.
Aoife says, NOTHING JUST YET.
Mr. Holt says, OH, DO LET ME KNOW WHEN THAT CHANGES. RIGHT! TO THE BUS!
Mr. Holt walks to a bus, and the football team boards after him.
Aoife says, THEY GET A BUS?
Zara says, AOIFE, WE'RE GOING TO BE—
Behind the Vipers, Jessica plays with the tip of her braid.
Jessica says, LATE. BUT I WOULDN'T WORRY, THAT'S NON-REGULATION GEAR. I JUST CALLED THE REF TO INFORM HIM AND HE SAID COMETS GET A WALK-OVER.
[Needle scratching a record, hands slapping]
Aoife drops her hands against her sides.
Aoife says, AW, FIRST PROPER MATCH AND WE DON'T EVEN GET TO PLAY.
Jim says, YES! GREAT. THAT MEANS I CAN WATCH THE LADS' FOOTY.
Jessica says, AW, PITY. I DID ASK THE REF TO OVERLOOK IT, BUT WE ALL KNOW YOU GUYS AREN'T REALLY A SERIOUS TEAM.
[Aoife gasping, exhaling]
Aoife looks at Jessica and shakes her head.
[Whooshing, chattering]
Polka dots move across the screen. In the school cafeteria, cut-outs of Dylan and Sid stand beside a table with football uniforms. Jessic talks to three players nearby. Aoife sits alone at a table by a window.
Aoife tells us, IT'S THE FOOTBALL TEAM, THAT MEANS DYLAN SHOULD BE AROUND. USUALLY, WHEN I TALK TO A BOY, I HAVE SOMETHING DISGUSTING STUCK ON MY FACE.
[Slide whistle]
Aoife picks up her smartphone and turns her face from side to side as she looks at the screen.
Aoife tells us, CLEAR. GOOD TO GO.
Aoife picks up her dirty plate and walks to Jessica.
Aoife asks, HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN DYLAN AROUND?
Jessica says, HE'LL BE HERE SOON. I'M MINDING HIS NEW KIT FOR HIM. WHY?
Aoife says, OH, I JUST WANT TO SAY HI, YOU KNOW, TO THE REAL THING.
[Zapping]
Aoife leans against the Dylan cut-out.
Aoife tells us, ELECTRICITY.
Jessica asks, IS THAT... RIGATONI IN YOUR HAIR?
Aoife lifts a pigtail and discovers rigatoni in her hair.
Aoife says, AH. YEAH.
[Students laughing]
Aoife says, I WAS JUST...KEEPIN' IT FOR LATER.
[Thumping, clattering, everyone gasping]
A passing student bumps Aoife’s arm, and her leftover rigatoni splashes onto the shirt of the cut-out.
Jessica says, YOU'VE RUINED DYLAN'S NEW KIT!
Aoife says, IT'S FINE.
Aoife tells us, ISH.
Jessica says, NO, IT'S NOT. TEAM GEAR IS IMPORTANT. MEE-FA DOESN'T GET THAT.
Aoife says, UH, YEAH, I DO.
Jessica says, HOW COULD YOU? WEARING THAT RAG YOU HAD ON YESTERDAY?
Aoife says, THAT WAS JUST WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR BRAND-NEW KIT TO ARRIVE. I'M SORTIN' IT MYSELF.
Charlotte says, OOH! CAN WE GET MATCHING CHIFFON NECK SCARVES FOR COLDER GYMS?
Aoife says, YEAH. AND... FUR-TRIMMED GLOVES.
[Charlotte gasping, hands clapping]
Charlotte puts her hands together excitedly.
Zara asks, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SORT ALL THIS? I'D LIKE TO SEE A HANDOUT.
Aoife tells us, TOTAL LIE INCOMING.
Aoife says, I'VE DONE IT BEFORE BACK HOME, AND I'LL BE HAPPY TO DO IT AGAIN FOR MY PROPER SERIOUS TEAM.
[Students applauding]
Aoife tells us, AND NOW TO ENJOY THEIR ADMIRATION.
Nyla asks, IS THAT RIGATONI IN YOUR HAIR?
[Jessica snickering, Aoife sighing, upbeat music plays]
Aoife discovers rigatoni in her other pigtail.
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. Clanger sits on a couch between two of his teammates, and Conor approaches behind him.
Conor asks, SO. WHEN DO I GET MY KIT, TEAMIE?
Clanger says, YEAH, NOT HAPPENING.
Conor says, BUT I-I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD SWING IT.
Clanger says, HOLT IS BEING OFF WITH ME. I GOT IN A SPAT WITH THE REF AND NOW HOLT'S JUST GOT THE DENTIST BILL, SO.
Conor says, AH, RIGHT. WELL, LET'S SEE IF WE CAN THINK OF A PLAN B.
Conor moves to sit beside Clanger.
Mr. Holt says, OI! PLAYERS ONLY IN THIS AREA!
[Tray clunking]
A brown-haired woman wearing a green apron over her pink shirt puts a tray of smoothies on a coffee table beside a tray of cookies.
Mr. Holt says, THANK YOU, ANITA.
[Background chattering]
Conor looks down and licks his lips. Later, Conor holds a tray of sliced oranges inside the entry to the boys’ changing room.
Conor says, HERE WE ARE. GOOD JOB OUT THERE.
Mr. Holt arrives and stands beside Conor.
Conor says, I'M OFFERING MY SERVICE AS TEAM MOTIVATOR. INTERESTED?
Mr. Holt says, KIT BOY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
Conor says, GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED.
Mr. Holt points at Conor and says, LADS, DIRTY GEAR HERE.
[Whooshing, smacking]
Socks and jock straps hit Conor.
Conor says, MY EYES! IT'S STINGING MY EYES! CLANGER.
[Upbeat music plays]
Clanger says, OH. IT'S YOU.
Conor says, I CAME HERE WITH ORANGE SLICES AND MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES AND NOW I'M COVERED IN SWEATY SOCKS AND JOCKSTRAPS.
Clanger says, YEAH, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE PIZZA PARTY LATER.
Conor says, PIZZA?
[Ball thumping]
Clanger walks to the wall and kicks a soccer ball from foot to foot.
Conor says, THAT'S IT. I NEED TO BECOME A PLAYER. I JUST NEED A PLAN.
[Ball thumping]
Conor looks at Clanger kicking the ball and smiles.
[Background rock music plays]
At home, Aoife looks at a uniform website on a laptop.
A person sings, BABY, WHAT YOU DOIN' TO ME?
Aoife tells us, SO SLIGHT PROBLEM. NEW KIT COSTS A LOT. BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION.
[Thunking]
Aoife sits on a counter beside an oven. Beside her, Brid wears an apron and reaches into the oven.
Aoife says, MUM, DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SEVERAL HUNDRED POUNDS TO SPARE?
Brid says, SURE, YEAH, JUST CHECK MY PURSE THERE.
Aoife asks, DO I DETECT SARCASM?
Brid replies, A SMIDGE.
[Tray clanking]
Brid takes cupcakes out of the oven and puts them on the stove.
Aoife says, OOH, WHO ARE THEY FOR?
Brid says, DON'T TOUCH. CUPCAKES FOR MY MINDFULNESS CLASS. WE'RE ABOUT NON-JUDGMENT, BUT YOU SHOULD'VE TASTED LINDA'S BATTENBERGS LAST WEEK.
[Brid retching]
Aoife tells us, THAT'S IT. THE VIPERS WILL GO DOOR TO DOOR SELLING DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. GENIUS. I MEAN, I'VE BAKED A BIT BEFORE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. In the kitchen, Aoife decorates iced cupcakes with chocolate squares, sprinkles, and chocolate-covered pretzels.
Aoife tells us, BOOM, BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT. BRING ON THE CASH.
[Smooching]
Aoife blows a kiss.
Aoife tells us, EASY.
At a door, a bearded man says, COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN PLAY A REAL SPORT LIKE DARTS! OR CURLING!
[Door slamming, rustling, upbeat music plays]
Charlotte and Nyla hold full cupcake pans, and Zara has a map.
Zara says, I'M ALMOST THROUGH MY DESIGNATED HOUSES AND I STILL HAVEN'T SOLD ONE CAKE.
Charlotte says, NOR ME. AND THIS CONSTANT BELL RINGING IS RUINING MY MANICURE.
Nyla says, AND I RECKON 10 STITCHES AFTER THE CHIHUAHUA INCIDENT.
Zara says, AOIFE SAID THIS WOULD BE EASY.
Aoife meets the other Vipers in front of a house.
Aoife says, COME ON, GIRLS, THIS IS THE HOUSE WHERE WE CAN SELL ALL THE CAKES.
Nyla says, I'VE SHED ENOUGH BLOOD FOR THIS.
Zara asks, IS THIS HOW IT WENT BACK HOME?
Aoife says, BACK HOME?
Zara asks, YOUR LAST FUNDRAISING PROJECT? DO YOU HAVE A REPORT I CAN SEE? A SIMPLE LOG OF EXPENDITURES AND REVENUE?
Aoife replies, UH... NOT EXACTLY.
Nyla says, YOU DID DO THIS BEFORE, AOIFE?
Aoife says, OF COURSE I DID. WHY WOULD I TELL A VERY HARMLESS LIE ABOUT THAT?
[Dramatic music swelling, fire sizzling]
Nyla stares at Aoife.
Aoife says, OKAY, IT MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUE.
Charlotte says, BROKEN PROMISES WOUND PEOPLE, AOIFE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY INVOLVE FASHION ACCESSORIES. WHY?
Zara says, TO IMPRESS DYLAN.
Aoife says, DYLAN? NO WAY. NO, COME ON.
[Footsteps thumping]
Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara walk away with their cupcakes and map.
Nyla says, HARD PASS, WE'RE DONE HERE.
Aoife says, DON'T GO, WE CAN STILL RAISE THE MONEY. JUST ONE MORE DOOR. PLEASE!
Zara taps Charlotte’s arm.
Zara says, NOT THIS ONE.
Aoife says, WE NEED THE GEAR.
The license plate on the car in the driveway reads, “I Holt.”
Nyla says, AOIFE. DON'T!
[Knocking, footsteps running]
Aoife says, NO BIG...
[Door clicking, background music plays]
Mr. Holt opens the door. He and Aoife both stop smiling when they see each other.
Aoife says, DEAL.
[Buzzer blaring, thudding, cheering, upbeat music notes play]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The letters in the title fall.
[Thumping, birds singing, the music stops]
In a backyard, Clanger lies on the grass and kicks a soccer ball from foot to foot.
Conor says, PERFECT. SO, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS POSITION OURSELVES NEAR HOLT AND MAKE HIM THINK HE'S SEEING MY SKILLS. THEN I'M STRAIGHT ON THE TEAM.
Clanger asks, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO GET ON?
Conor replies, PEOPLE FINALLY RECOGNIZE MY EXISTENCE. AND THERE'LL BE PIZZAS AND COOKIES.
Clanger says, NO, I MEAN, HOLT WILL SOON FIND OUT THAT YOU SUCK!
Conor says, A-HA, SO I SIMPLY FAKE A SEASON-ENDING INJURY AND ENJOY THE RIDE.
Clanger asks, WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?
Conor replies, HELPING A FRIEND IN NEED?
Clanger says, 20 PERCENT KICKBACK ON ALL TEAM-RELATED PERKS.
Conor asks, FROM A REGULAR SMOOTHIE THAT'S AT LEAST SIX MOUTHFULS. WOULD YOU CONSIDER 10 PERCENT?
Clanger says, 19. FINAL OFFER.
Conor says, DEAL.
[Cash register cha-chinging, ball thumping, upbeat music notes play]
Clanger kicks the ball from foot to foot. Polka dots move across the screen.
At his front door, Mr. Holt says, USING THE SCHOOL NAME TO RAISE FUNDS WITHOUT PERMISSION?
Aoife tells us, JUST NEED TO USE MY NATURAL CHARM TO WIN HIM AROUND.
Aoife asks, WHAT MUSIC IS THAT? BOY-O-SPHERE? EARTH WARRIORS WITH HEAVENLY VOICES? MY MUM'S A BIG FAN.
[Mr. Holt typing, rustling, the music ends]
Mr. Holt types on his smartphone and puts it into his pocket.
Mr. Holt says, YOUR ATTEMPTS AT DISARMING ME ARE POINTLESS AND ALSO QUITE PATHETIC.
Aoife asks, OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT A DELICIOUS CUPCAKE THEN?
Mr. Holt says, THAT DOES LOOK...SURPRISINGLY GOOD.
[Paper rustling]
Mr. Holt eats the cupcake.
[Retching]
In his office at school, Mr. Holt leans over a wastebasket. Aoife, Zara, Nyla, and Charlotte stand on the other side of his desk.
Zara asks, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THOSE CAKES?
[Upbeat music plays, rustling]
In a flashback in her kitchen, Aoife picks up an empty flour sack.
Aoife says, EMPTY. OH, MUM.
Aoife looks at a large tub of mustard powder and shrugs. The flashback ends.
In his office, Mr. Holt says, I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID THAT YOU'D USE THE SCHOOL'S NAME TO SELL YOUR DECEPTIVELY WELL-DECORATED BUT ABSOLUTELY VILE CUPCAKES.
Aoife says, FIRSTLY, A, I'M GLAD WE BOTH AGREE THE CUPCAKES WERE WELL-DECORATED. BUT, B, WE HAD TO GET JOBS TO RAISE THE MONEY FOR THIS, AND WE HAD NO HELP FROM THE SCHOOL. AND 3, IT'S ABOUT TIME THE VIPERS WERE SHOWN SOME RESPECT.
Mr. Holt says, ARE YOU FINISHED?!
Aoife looks at the floor.
Aoife says, CAN I JUST SAY, THIS REMINDS ME OF A TIME THAT I HAD A BIG FRIED BREKKY FOLLOWED BY A SLICE OF BLACK FOREST AND THREW THE WHOLE THING UP.
[Retching]
Aoife says, AND IT WAS ALL BROWN AND CREAMY.
[Retching, vomit splashing]
Mr. Holt leans over the wastebasket.
Mr. Holt says, RIGHT. IF IT'S JOBS YOU WANT...
[Groaning, sweeping, upbeat music plays]
In the boys' change room, the Vipers sweep the floor.
Aoife says, ATHLETE'S FOOT SHAVINGS? ON THE UPSIDE, IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE.
A person sings, MY MIND'S GETTING SO, SO...
[Gagging, retching]
Zara, Charlotte, Nyla and Aoife scrub urinals.
Aoife says, BOYS' TOILETS. ON THE UPSIDE, IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE.
[Toilet flushing, groaning]
On the sports field, Aoife scoops up the dog feces.
[Football team laughing, Vipers retching, Aoife shuddering]
Aoife says, AHH!
[Slide whistle, thumping, boys laughing raucously, Jessica and her friend laughing, Aoife groaning, Jessica retching]
Aoife slips and falls. She sits up with feces smeared on the back of her head.
Aoife tells us, AND THAT'S HOW WE GOT HERE. THERE IS NO UPSIDE, THIS IS THE WORST.
[Upbeat music plays, popping]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The first letter 'O' in 'hoops' inflates and pops.
Later, the Vipers enter the gym.
Aoife says, OKAY, SO LET'S FORGET WHAT HAPPENED WITH A ROUSING TRAINING... SESSION. SIR?
[Sneakers squeaking]
Mr. Holt stands with his arms crossed as the football team stretches.
Mr. Holt says, IT'S POURING DOWN, WE NEED THE GYM.
Aoife says, BUT THIS IS OUR SLOT. JIM!
Jim says, YEAH, NOT MUCH WE CAN DO. ALWAYS FOOTY FIRST FOR HOLT.
Aoife says, BUT WE'RE IN THE LEAGUE NOW AND WE'RE A PROPER TEAM.
Clanger says, BUT WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE OF WINNING SOMETHING. POO GIRL.
[Football players laughing]
On the bleachers, Jessica sits between two friends. One brushes Jessica’s braid while the other paints Jessica’s fingernails.
Jessica says, IT'S IMPORTANT THEY GET SUPPORT. MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE THEM A BIG BOWL OF RIGATONI.
[Girls giggling]
Aoife tells us, ENOUGH. MY TEAM HAS BEEN INSULTED, MY IMAGE BATTERED. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE, OR I'LL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS THE RIGATONI POO GIRL.
[Splatting, foghorn music blaring, book cover thudding]
Aoife imagines a spread of student photographs in a yearbook. Everyone is identified by their name except her. An arrow points to her photograph, and the name reads, “Rigatoni-Poo Girl.” The daydream ends.
Aoife says, SIR. WE CHALLENGE YOUR LADS TO A BASKETBALL MATCH THIS FRIDAY.
[Girls in the bleachers giggling, rustling]
Zara says, AOIFE, THIS IS RECKLESS.
Aoife says, IF WE WIN, YOU BUY US NEW GEAR.
[Mr. Holt chuckling]
Mr. Holt says, NOT A CHANCE.
Aoife says, OKAY THEN. EVERYONE CAN WATCH, WE'LL CHARGE MONEY AT THE DOOR, AND THE WINNER CAN KEEP IT ALL.
Dylan smiles at Aoife.
Aoife tells us, I AM ON FIRE.
[Fire sizzling]
Mr. Holt says, WE COULD USE THE EXTRA CASH FOR MIDVALE BRANDED HIGHLIGHTER PENS. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
[Dramatic music sting, hand slapping]
Charlotte face palms.
[Rattling]
At school, Zara, Charlotte, and Nyla sit at a long table.
Zara says, HAS SHE EVEN CHECKED OUR STATS? WE HAVE NEVER WON A MATCH.
[Backpack clanking, rustling]
Nyla takes a textbook out of her backpack.
Charlotte says, THIS IS LIKE PAIRING ANKLE BOOTS WITH A LONG SKIRT, UTTER MADNESS.
Nyla says, I AGREE. ABOUT THE MATCH. I DON'T TAKE FASHION ADVICE. IF I WEAR IT, IT WORKS.
A red-haired librarian says, SHHH.
Zara says, THE LADS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 3 V 3 IS. THEY CAN HARDLY DRIBBLE A BALL. SO, I MEAN, MAYBE WE'LL BE OKAY.
Nyla says, YEAH, EVEN AOIFE CAN'T MAKE THINGS ANY WORSE.
[Background chattering, soft music plays]
In the cafeteria, Aoife carries a tray. She stops and smiles when she notices Dylan talking to another boy.
Aoife tells us, KNEES JELLYING.
The other boy walks away, and Dylan stops Aoife as she walks by.
Dylan says, SO, UH, HEY. THANKS FOR PUTTING THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT ON MY DESK THE OTHER DAY. MUM SAID MY KIT CAME OUT FINE.
Aoife says, OH, PHEW. GREAT.
Aoife tells us, IT'S TRUE, I DID THAT.
Aoife says, ALSO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DON'T USUALLY HAVE POO OR RIGATONI IN MY HAIR.
[Dylan chuckling]
Dylan says, IS A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HEAR ANYONE SAY.
Aoife tells us, GORGEOUS AND FUNNY.
Dylan says, SO, UM, ARE WE ALLOWED TO TALK NOW THAT OUR TEAMS ARE ENEMIES?
Aoife says, I BELIEVE WE CAN MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
[Chairs squeaking, hearts bubbling, electricity zapping, heart splatting, snarling]
Aoife and Dylan sit together at a table. In animation, a red heart grows between. Jessica notices them and crosses her arms.
[Whooshing, upbeat music notes play]
The Midvale school crest spins over students in a hallway. In the school library, Mr. Holt talks to the red-haired librarian.
[The music stops]
Mr. Holt says, THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN, MARJORIE. SHEILA SHOULD BE OVER HER SHINGLES QUITE SOON.
[Students chattering]
In front of a window, Conor moves from side to side with a ball bouncing up in front of him.
The red-haired librarian, Marjorie, says, NO PROBLEM, MR. HOLT. SHUSHING KIDS IS WHAT I DO BEST.
Marjorie says, SHHH!
[Room quiets]
Marjorie says, SEE?
Mr. Holt says, MASTERFUL.
[Balls thumping]
Clanger lies on the floor in front of Conor, alternately throwing two soccer balls into the air. Conor pretends to bounce the balls on his feet.
Conor counts, 195. 196. 197.
Mr. Holt says, WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN?!
[Balls thumping]
Clanger drops the balls and rolls away.
Marjorie says, SHHH!
Mr. Holt says, SORRY.
Conor says, SORRY, SIR, I'M JUST TRYING TO BEAT MY RECORD OF 200 IN A ROW.
[Thumping]
Clanger puts an arm around Conor’s shoulders.
Clanger says, HE'S A BORN STRIKER!
Mr. Holt says, I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS. I'M EXPECTING MY NEW PLAYER ANY MOMENT NOW.
[Background chattering]
Conor says, A NEW PLAYER? BUT, SIR—
[Knocking]
Mr. Holt says, A-HA, THERE WE ARE.
Conor says, IT'S LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HERE.
[Thumping]
Clanger puts his hand on Conor’s shoulder.
[Horn honking]
Polka dots move across the screen. In the school parking lot, students hold flyers and walk away from Brid.
Brid says, SEE YOU THEN!
Brid gives a flyer to a passing student.
Brid says, TRY MINDFULNESS, IT'S GREAT FOR COMBATTING TEEN ANGST AND DISTR—OOH, HERE'S MY SON!
Clanger says, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE!
Conor says, WHAT? I WAS THE ONE WHO PUT IN ALL THE EFFORT, AND HOLT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A LOOK.
Brid says, WAIT, YOU'VE BEEN PRACTICING AND MR. HOLT WON'T EVEN GIVE YOU A CHANCE?
Conor says, IT'S FINE, MUM, HONESTLY.
[Car alarm beeping]
Mr. Holt walks to his car.
Brid says, NO! HELLO!
Brid tells Conor, I WILL MAKE HIM TAKE A LOOK!
Brid strides towards Mr. Holt.
[Upbeat music plays]
The Midvale crest spins. In the parking lot, Mr. Holt leans against his car. Clanger and Brid watch Conor holding a soccer ball.
Brid says, COME ON, CONOR, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
A tall boy with short black hair says, HEY, IT'S THE FOOTBALL LADS.
The curly-haired boy asks, ARE YOU ON THE TEAM NOW?
Conor says, YES. YES, I AM.
The black-haired boy asks, ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOME SKILLS?
[Conor clearing his throat, sighing, background chattering
Conor looks at the soccer ball.
Conor says, YOU BETCHA. GET YOUR PHONE OUT, THIS IS GOING TO GO VIRAL.
[Phone chiming]
The black-haired boy points his smartphone at Conor.
Brid says, MAKE ME PROUD, SON.
[Dramatic music swelling, Conor sighing, thumping, whooshing]
Conor looks at Mr. Holt. Clanger nods. Conor kicks the ball, and it flies high above him. Conor looks up, and the ball lands on his face. Mr. Holt winces.
Conor says, UGH!
A boy says, UGH!
[Conor groaning, Brid nervously chuckling]
Conor’s nose bleeds, and Brid gives him a tissue.
Conor says, AH.
[Conor groaning]
Brid says, I'M NOT SURE HE MEANT TO DO THAT.
Mr. Holt says, OH, PLEASE.
Mr. Holt points at the parking lot by Conor.
Mr. Holt continues, WE'VE JUST HAD THIS BIT POWER WASHED.
[Car door clicking shut, car starting, upbeat music plays]
Mr. Holt gets into his car.
Brid says, OH, BOY-O-SPHERE! I LOVE THEM!
[Window whirring, tires squealing, engine humming]
Mr. Holt closes his window and drives away.
[Sad music plays]
At home, Conor and Aoife sit across from each other at a dining room table. Conor leans forward with his face on his plate.
Aoife tells us, IN THESE SITUATIONS, I FIND IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO BE SENSITIVE.
Aoife says, POOR CONOR, NOT EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY CAN BE A SPORTING STAR. WHO KNOWS? YOU MAY BE REALLY EXCELLENT AT CROCHET. JUST THINK OF ALL THOSE LOVELY SHAWLS YOU COULD MAKE.
[Conor groaning, footsteps pattering]
Brid enters the room carrying plates.
Brid says, AOIFE.
[Plates clattering]
Aoife says, WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?
Brid says, CONOR SHOULD HOLD HIS HEAD HIGH. HE WAS WILLING TO RISK FAILURE TO FULFIL HIS DREAM OF BEING A FOOTBALL PLAYER.
Conor sits up with a tissue in one of his nostrils.
Conor says, OKAY, WE GET IT.
Brid says, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
Aoife tells us, UH-OH, SHE'S OFF AGAIN.
Aoife rolls her eyes.
Brid says, I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THIS BASKETBALL MATCH, GO AND WATCH THE FOOTBALL LADS, AND MAYBE PESTER MR. HOLT FOR ANOTHER TRIAL.
Conor says, HE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS THERE.
Aoife says, COME ON, CONOR, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE PART OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE VIPERS ARE GOING TO TRASH THEM TOMORROW.
Aoife raises her eyebrows.
[Whooshing, dramatic music sting, beeping]
On the court, three football players stand side by side. Lines beside them show the “average height,” and the lines increase to “tall,” and then “enormous.” On the other side of the court, Aoife, Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara stare at the opposing team.
Aoife says, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THEM.
Dylan says, HOLT WANTED THE TALLEST PLAYERS. GOOD LUCK.
[Background chattering, footsteps pattering]
Dylan walks towards the bleachers.
Aoife says, LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS. THIS IS OUR TURF. THEY MAY BE SLIGHTLY MASSIVE, BUT THEY HAVE NOBODY TO MATCH OUR SKILLS.
Jessica walks onto the court and stands with the team of football players.
Zara says, JESS! HI. MY BESTIE.
Zara smiles and waves.
Aoife says, UH, WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY IS JESSICA HERE? SHE'S NOT ON YOUR TEAM.
Mr. Holt says, OH, SHE DID A TRIAL FOR THE TEAM YESTERDAY.
[Tape rewinding]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt says, I'M EXPECTING MY NEW PLAYER ANY MOMENT NOW.
[Knocking, thumping]
Mr. Holt opens the library door and throws a soccer ball to Jessica. She bounces it on her knee once.
Mr. Holt says, YOU'RE IN.
The flashback ends.
In the present, Mr. Holt says, SO, TECHNICALLY...
Aoife says, BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
Mr. Holt says, MM, RULES ARE RULES. GOOD LUCK.
[Snarling]
Mr. Holt smiles and gives two thumbs-up. Jessica bares her teeth. Aoife glances at Brid, and Brid shrugs.
Charlotte says, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY JESSICA WOULD PLAY WITH THE BOYS.
Zara says, SHE'S ALWAYS SO SUPPORTIVE OF US.
Nyla says, I KNOW A CLASSIC REVENGE MOVE WHEN I SEE ONE. SHE'S AN ICE-COLD ASSASSIN.
Charlotte asks, BUT WHO WOULD CROSS JESSICA?
Aoife and Dylan wave at each other.
Zara says, THIS IS ABOUT DYLAN.
Aoife says, WHAT?
Nyla says, YOU MADE IT WORSE.
Charlotte says, HE'S JESSICA'S EX. SHE STILL HAS DEEP FEELINGS FOR HIM.
Aoife glances at the other team, and Jessica stares at her.
Aoife says, I DIDN'T MAKE IT REMOTELY OBVIOUS THAT I FANCY HIM.
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. In a flashback in a classroom, a singagram wears a pink dress and pigtails. She plays a keyboard as Dylan stares at her, slack-jawed. In a different classroom, Aoife smiles.
The singagram sings, FORGET THE POO AND RIGATONI, YOU'LL BE MY ONE AND ONLY.
Aoife tells us, ONLY COST TWO MONTH'S POCKET MONEY.
In the present, Nyla and Zara glance at each other.
[Nyla chuckling]
Aoife says, YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.
Aoife tells us, FOR MOST OF IT.
Nyla says, YES, I CAN. I'M POINTING A GIANT FINGER FOR THIS MESS IN YOUR DIRECTION.
On the team bench, Jim holds up a foam finger.
Jim says, HERE. IT HAS SO MANY USES.
Nyla says, WE'RE DONE.
Zara says, SHE MEANS WE FORFEIT.
Aoife says, WHAT? YOU CAN'T BACK OUT NOW. NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE US SERIOUSLY.
Zara says, IF WE PLAY, IT WILL BE WORSE.
Charlotte says, WE'LL BE HUMILIATED. I'D RATHER WEAR DOUBLE DENIM, THANK YOU.
Aoife tells us, SO HERE'S THE REWIND.
[Tape rewinding, upbeat music plays]
In a flashback, Jim throws the shorts and stained shirts to Charlotte and Zara.
In the present, Aoife tells us, OUR KIT WAS THE WORST.
In the flashback, Aoife asks, WHAT ARE THESE?
In the present, Aoife tells us, THE SMELL...
In the flashback, Nyla says, RANCID EGG SALAD.
In the present, Aoife tells us, UNREAL. THEN THERE WAS THE STAPLING TRAUMA.
[Whooshing, staple gun clicking]
In a flashback, Aoife staples the paper to her stomach. Text reads, “Ouch.”
In the flashback, Aoife says, OW!
Jim says, THAT'S A LEVEL TWO LACERATION.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND JESS WAS LIKE...
[Whooshing]
In the flashback, Jessica says, WE ALL KNOW YOU GUYS AREN'T REALLY A SERIOUS TEAM.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND I WAS LIKE, "O.M.G."
[Whooshing]
In a flashback, a heart appears around Dylan’s star striker poster. In another flashback, Aoife watches Dylan stare at the singagram.
In the present, Aoife tells us, FIRSTLY DYLAN. SECONDLY, WE ARE A PROPER TEAM. AND THEN, HOLT WAS LIKE...
[Retching, splattering]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt leans over the wastebasket.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND THEN THERE WAS THE RIGATONI POO INCIDENT.
[Slide whistle, whooshing, boys laughing, slide whistle, splattering, Jessica retching]
Drawings of rigatoni fall. In a flashback in the cafeteria, Aoife finds rigatoni in her hair. In another flashback on the sports field, Aoife slips on feces and falls. A flashback shows the three football players on the court with the word “Enormous.”
In the present, Aoife tells us, BUT I WAS LIKE, "VIPERS VERSUS FOOTBALL." AND THEN, HOLT WAS LIKE, "HERE'S JESSICA."
[Ball thumping, chiming]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt throws the ball to Jessica, and she bounces it once on her knee. The Comets' logo appears beside Jessica.
Mr. Holt says, YOU’RE IN.
In the present, Aoife tells us, SO, NOW I DECIDED TO DO THIS.
[Jim whispering, background chattering]
Jim, Zara, Nyla, and Charlotte gather by their bench. Aoife approaches and takes out a cupcake.
Nyla says, THE CAKE OF DEATH.
Aoife says, AND I'LL EAT IT JUST TO PROVE HOW SORRY I AM.
Zara says, SHE WON'T.
Aoife says, I WILL. IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
Charlotte says, SHE COULD DIE.
Nyla says, GO ON THEN.
Aoife tells us, WOW, THEY'RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
[Aoife exhaling, dramatic music building, Aoife exhaling]
Aoife opens her mouth, moves towards the cupcake, and then shakes her head. She puts it in her mouth.
Zara says, OKAY, OKAY, STOP.
[Aoife grunting]
Nyla says, FOR THAT FACE ALONE I'D DO ANYTHING. OKAY, WE'LL PLAY.
Zara says, WE'RE STILL GOING TO LOOK LIKE IDIOTS.
Charlotte says, BUT... WE'LL LOOK LIKE IDIOTS TOGETHER.
The Vipers cheer, YEAH!
Jim says, YES! YES!
[Splatting]
Pieces of the chewed cupcake fall out of Aoife’s mouth.
Aoife says, UH. OH.
[Aoife groaning]
Aoife says, OH, PLEASE, SOME WATER.
[Aoife groaning]
Charlotte mouths the word “Okay.”
[Whistle blowing, whooshing, hoop rattling, lively music plays]
Jessica sinks a basket.
Mr. Holt says, YES!
[Cheering, ball thumping, hoop banging]
A football player scores.
Mr. Holt says, YES!
[Clicking, cheering, ball thumping]
With 8 minutes and 18 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers, zero. Football, 9.” A second football player scores. On the bench, Charlotte covers her eyes with her hands and peeks through her fingers.
Jim says, RUN, RUN!
[Cheering, thumping]
Jessica sinks a basket. With 6 minutes and 49 seconds left, the score is “Vipers, zero. Football, 14.”
Mr. Holt says, EAT IT!
[Sneakers squeaking, lively music continues, ball thumping, hoop rattling]
Aoife passes the ball, and the first football player intercepts the throw. He passes it, and the second football player scores. Jessica scores.
Mr. Holt says, YES! YES!
[Clicking, cheering]
With 4 minutes and 36 seconds left, the score is “Vipers, zero. Football team, 19.”
Jim says, TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
[Whistle blowing]
The Vipers huddle with Jim.
Jim says, COME ON. AH, ALL RIGHT. WE NEED TO SWAP THE LINE OUT FOR A FEW QUICK TRIES.
Charlotte says, IT'S NO USE, THEY'RE TOO TALL, THEY MAKE US LOOK FUN-SIZED.
[Other team laughing]
Mr. Holt and Jessica look at the Vipers.
Aoife says, THAT'S IT, USE THEIR HEIGHT AGAINST THEM. THEY’RE BIG, WE GO QUICKER AND FASTER.
[Stomach grumbling]
Aoife says, OH.
[Tape rewinding, cupcake squelching, Aoife retching]
Aoife tells us, SLIGHTLY QUEASY.
Nyla says, SHE'S RIGHT, IT'S LIKE A MOSH PIT. WE DUCK AND DIVE.
[Hands slapping]
The Vipers put their hands on Jim’s.
Jim says, RIGHT, ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE.
The team cheers, VIPERS!
[Lively music plays, ball thumping, sneakers squeaking]
Polka dots move across the screen. On the court, Aoife takes the ball away from a football player and scores a basket.
A singer sings, I'M DOIN' ALL THE THINGS THAT I FEEL.
[Jim shouting, cheering, ball thumping, hoop rattling]
Charlotte dribbles the ball. She grits her teeth, slides between a football player’s legs, and sinks a basket.
Zara shouts, CHARLOTTE!
With 2 minutes and 44 seconds left, the scoreboard reads, “Vipers, 6. Football, 19.”
[Whooshing, thumping, cheering, happy shouting, clicking, thumping]
Charlotte passes the ball to Nyla, who scores. On the sidelines, Mr. Holt looks down. On the court, Aoife passes the ball to Charlotte, and she scores. Nyla passes the ball to Charlotte, she passes it to Aoife, and Aoife sinks a basket. With one minute and 52 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers 12. Football 19.” Aoife scores.
Mr. Holt whines, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
[Sneakers squeaking, ball thumping, basket rattling]
Aoife spins and catches the ball. She scores three more baskets.
The singer sings, I'M A WOMAN, I AM DOING.
[Cheering, screaming, hat rustling]
Mr. Holt throws his hat on the floor.
He asks, WHAT WAS THAT?
[Lively music continues, ball thumping]
With 58 seconds to go, the score reads, “Vipers, 20. Football, 19.” On the court, Charlotte dribbles the ball.
Nyla shouts, CHARLOTTE!
[Ball thudding, smacking, exclaiming, gasping, the music stops]
Charlotte shoots the ball, and it rebounds. Below, two football players collide.
The Vipers cheer, YES!
[Whistle blowing, applause]
The two football players lie on the floor, each holding a knee.
Nyla says, DOUBLE K.O. THEY'LL NEED A NEW PLAYER OR THIS GAME IS OURS.
[Hands slapping, sneakers squeaking]
Nyla and Aoife high-five. The two injured players limp to their bench.
Mr. Holt asks, WHAT WAS THAT? SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
[Footsteps thumping]
Mr. Holt walks to the football players on the bleachers.
Mr. Holt says, ALL RIGHT, LADS, WE NEED A PLAYER. OH, COME ON, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE LOSING. THERE'S BARELY A MINUTE LEFT.
Clanger says, CONOR WILL PLAY. BUT IF HE DOES, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
Conor asks, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Clanger says, YOU CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN YOU ARE AT FOOTBALL.
Conor says, FAIR.
Clanger says, AND PLUS, IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN.
Mr. Holt says, YOU HELP US WIN, WE HAVE A DEAL.
[Rustling, thumping]
Conor takes off his uniform jacket, and Mr. Holt pats him on the shoulder.
Mr. Holt says, GET THE BALL IN THE HOOP.
Conor nods and runs onto the court.
Aoife says, CONOR? CONOR'S GOING TO PLAY?
By the bench, Zara says, WE'RE A POINT UP. ONCE WE GET THE BALL, JUST KEEP HOLD OF IT.
Brid whispers, AOIFE, TAKE IT EASY ON HIM, OKAY?
[Sneakers squeaking]
Nearby, Conor catches a pass.
Zara says, AOIFE, MARK HIM.
Aoife stands still and looks at Zara.
Aoife says, LET HIM HAVE HIS SHOT AT GLORY, HE'LL NEVER GET IT IN ANYWAY.
[Serious music swelling]
Conor looks down at the basketball. In a flashback, Conor stands in the parking lot, looking down at the soccer ball.
Brid says, MAKE ME PROUD, SON.
[Conor sighing, thumping, slide whistle, smacking]
Conor kicks the ball up, and it lands on his face.
Conor says, UGH!
The flashback ends.
[Serious music plays, sneakers squeaking, whooshing, slide whistle, banging]
The crowd watches quietly in the bleachers. Conor throws the ball, and it bounces on the rim and falls into the basket.
[Buzzer blaring, cheering, applause]
Mr. Holt holds up his arms and runs.
Clanger shouts, YES, YES, YES!
Aoife cheers, YES.
[Cheering, laughing, applause]
Conor looks around, smiling. Mr. Holt runs to the bleachers and waves his hat. With 10 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers, 20. Football, 21.” Aoife stops smiling.
Aoife says, HANG ON. THEY'VE WON.
Jim says, UGH.
Zara says, WHAT?
Jessica walks to Aoife and smiles.
Jessica says, WHAT A FUN MATCH. HARD LUCK.
Aoife tells us, I WOULD HAVE A SASSY COMEBACK BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED TO...
[Aoife retching, vomit splattering, Jessica screaming]
Aoife vomits on Jessica.
Aoife says, WHOOPS.
[Upbeat music plays, whooshing]
Title: “High Hoops.”
A basketball hoop hangs beneath the first letter 'O' in 'hoops’, and a basketball falls into it. By the bleachers, Clanger offers Conor a football uniform.
Clanger says, I NOW DUB THEE ON THE TEAM.
[The football team applauding, background chattering]
A brown-haired boy gives Conor an energy drink.
Conor says, YES. VALIDATION AT LAST. WHEN'S THE NEXT PIZZA PARTY?
[Thumping]
Clanger puts his hand on Conor’s shoulder.
Clanger says, NOW. BUT ALL NEWBIES HAVE PITCH POO DUTY. AND AOIFE LEFT A HEFTY LOAD OUT THERE THE OTHER DAY, MATE.
[Coins clattering]
At a small table, Mr. Holt puts coins in a money box. Behind him, a caretaker mops the floor. A sign on the table reads, “Ticket Prices. Child, 3 pounds. Adult, 5 pounds.”
Brid says, I'M SURE A FELLOW BOY-O-SPHERE FAN COULD SPARE A BIT FOR THE GIRLS.
Mr. Holt says, OH. IS THERE WHERE YOU BLACKMAIL ME BY THREATENING TO TELL EVERYONE I LIKE BOY-O-SPHERE? WELL, THEY WRITE PERFECTLY-CRAFTED LOVE SONGS AND I, FOR ONE, AM NOT ASHAMED.
The caretaker glances at Mr. Holt.
Brid says, NOT BLACKMAIL, BRIBERY. I HAPPEN TO HAVE A RARE COPY OF THEIR SAVIOURS OF THE PLANET ALBUM.
Brid holds the album, and Mr. Holt stares at it, wide-eyed. Brid raises her eyebrows.
[Whooshing, upbeat music plays]
The Midvale school crest spins over aerial video footage of the students walking outside the school. Inside, Aoife carries a large box down a hallway.
Aoife says, CHECK IT OUT! OUR BRAND-NEW GEAR!
[Background chattering, box thumping]
Aoife puts the box on the floor, and Jessica approaches behind Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara.
Jessica says, GOOD FOR YOU. I'D FEEL AWFUL IF I'D MADE MY TEAM LOSE LIKE YOU DID.
Aoife holds a purple Vipers sweater.
Aoife says, WELL, MY TEAMIES STILL LOVE ME BECAUSE I'VE SORTED OUT THIS AMAZING NEW GEAR WITH JIM, NOW THE VIPERS WILL HAVE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
Aoife looks at the back of the sweater and stops smiling. She turns it, and text on the back reads, “The Big Joke Shop.”
Jim says, AH, YES, THE... DOOR TAKINGS DIDN'T QUITE COVER IT, SO I ASKED MR. SIMONS TO FUND THE REST. NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL JUST LINE UP FOR A PHOTO.
[Upbeat music plays]
Mr. Simons arrives smiling, wearing a headband with an axe on his head.
[Aoife sighing, students laughing, camera shutter snapping]
Jim gives Jessica a smartphone, and she takes a photograph of the team posing with Jim and Mr. Simons. Aoife turns the sweater so that “The Big Joke Shop” shows. Aoife face palms.
[Upbeat music plays, thumping]
Singers sing, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO.
In an animation, a basketball bounces off a net. The ball lands in the basket. A second ball bounces off the rim of the net. A basketball falls into the net.
End credits. Cast in order of appearance: Aoife, Darci Hull. Clanger, Dylan Lakhanpaul. Jim, Nigel Boyle. Nyla, Frankie-Jae Simmonds. Charlotte, Ella Bernstein. Conor, Arthur Kay. Brid, Isy Suttie. Zara, Isha Kaur Athwal. Jessica, Bea Ward. Dylan, Lucas Hodgson-Wale. The Librarian, Charlotte Henderson. Angry Man, Trevor Fleming. Singagram, Alice Way. Special thanks Calderdale College. Executive Producer for B.B.C., Anita Burgess, Melissa Hardinge. Executive Producer, Rebecca Papworth. Logos: Can Can Productions Limited for B.B.C. Copyright Can Can Productions 2024. Filmed in West Yorkshire. Logo: A.P.C. Kids.
A drawing features Midvale school posters taped to double doors. In live-action, Aoife throws the doors open. She stands in a school hallway lined with lockers on each side. Aoife has her long blonde hair in pigtails and wears a blue basketball jersey with the Midvale Vipers logo on the front. Text reads, “Phew.” In a drawing of a gymnasium filled with people on the bleachers, live-action Zara points at her watch while Nyla throws a basketball to Aoife. Zara has her long black hair in a ponytail, and Nyla’s brown hair is in two braids. Both wear their Vipers jerseys. Aoife catches the basketball and spins it on her finger. In an animation, a water balloon hits Aoife, and text reads, “Sploosh!” In the bleachers, Conor, who has short brown hair, holds a water balloon. Clanger sits beside him and points. He has short, dark brown hair. The head teacher, Mr. Holt, arrives and text reads, “Woah.” Mr. Holt has short blond hair and a moustache. Charlotte points a hair dryer at Aoife, and her pigtails fly up in the air. Charlotte wears her brown hair in a bun. Text reads, “Wooosh!” Aoife dribbles the ball and trips. Text reads, “Epic Fail.”
Singers sing, DOOT, DOOT, DOO, DOO, DOOT, DOOT, DOO, DOOT.
Title: “High Hoops.”
B.B.C. Created and written by Sinéad Fagan. Director: Ian Curtis.
[Squelching, upbeat music plays]
On a sports field, Aoife holds a bag and scoops dog feces off the grass. Nearby, Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara hold bags and scoop more feces. Mr. Holt stands on the grass and supervises.
Aoife groans, UGH.
[Retching, boys laughing, girls giggling]
Behind them, the football team sits on two benches and watches. Jessica and a friend walk on the field, smiling behind their hands.
Aoife tells us, SO I'M CURRENTLY SHOVELLIN' UP...DOGGY DOO-DOO.
On the bench, Clanger yells, OI, POO PATROL, YOU MISSED SOME!
[Boys laughing raucously]
Mr. Holt smiles. Nearby, Conor winces. With Robert Webb as Mr. Holt.
Aoife tells us, IT IS POSSIBLE TO REMAIN COOL. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE BEING WATCHED BY THE MOST HANDSOMEST BOY EVER.
Between the benches, Dylan leans, unsmiling, against a metal pole.
[Charlotte, Zara, Jessica retching, Clanger laughing, splatting]
Aoife slips on dog feces and falls on her back on the grass.
Aoife shouts, AH!
[Boys laughing raucously, Jessica and her friend giggling]
Dylan lets go of the metal bar and steps towards Aoife. She sits up.
Aoife says, UGH.
[Shuddering, boys laughing]
Aoife shakes her head.
Aoife tells us, SO HERE'S THE REWIND.
[Tape rewinding, school bell ringing, students chattering]
At school, Aoife walks in a hallway.
Aoife tells us, FIRST 3 V 3 LEAGUE MATCH TODAY. AGAINST JESSICA AND THE COMETS.
[Upbeat music plays, footsteps thumping]
A headline over the Comets and Vipers logos and an empty basketball court reads, “3 x 3 Basketball Coming Up.” At school, Aoife walks down a staircase.
Aoife tells us, THIS IS HUGE. BUT WE'RE READY. BRING IT.
A poster on the wall features a photograph of Dylan, and in animation, pink hearts float around the poster and Aoife’s head. Text on the poster reads, “Star Striker, Star Striker, Star Striker.”
Aoife tells us, DYLAN, STAR OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM. I'VE LOVED HIM SINCE I FIRST LAID EYES ON HIM. THREE WHOLE DAYS.
Zara says, EYES ON ME.
[Fingers snapping, upbeat music continues]
Zara stands on the stairs. Behind her, Charlotte and Nyla stand with their arms crossed. Pink hearts float around Aoife’s head as she turns around. Zara holds a sheet of paper in a sheet protector.
Zara says, MATCH PACK. CONTAINS DIRECTIONS, GAME STATS, AND OUR BLOOD TYPES.
Charlotte smiles and points at Aoife. Jagged pink lines appear on a purple background behind her.
Charlotte says, I ADDED OUR STAR SIGNS TOO.
In a hallway, Jim walks wearing a bike helmet, carrying a bag, and pushing a blue bike.
Jim says, SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW!
Behind him, Nyla says, AH, JIM, WE HAVE A MATCH.
Jim says, AH, YES. THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS BAG OF SPORT CLOTHES. RIGHT, PUT YOUR GEAR ON.
[Rustling]
Jim throws differently-coloured shirts and shorts to Zara and Charlotte. Later, the Vipers return wearing the clothes. Aoife wears a stained grey tank top and green shorts, Charlotte wears a grey tank top and grey shorts, Zara wears a blue tank top and grey shorts, and Nyla wears a dark blue long-sleeve shirt with dark grey shorts. In animation, fumes rise from the clothes as the team walks towards Jim.
Aoife says, WHAT ARE THESE? I MEAN, THE SMELL. AND WHAT IS THAT STAIN?
Nyla says, BEST GUESS - RANCID EGG SALAD, CHORIZO JUICE, AND (UNCLEAR).
[Aoife scoffing]
Aoife asks, HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO TAKE US SERIOUSLY WEARING THIS?
[Conor laughing]
Conor stands behind Charlotte.
Conor says, OH, THEY WON'T.
[Aoife imitating Conor’s laughing]
Aoife says, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT TOTALLY INVISIBLE.
Conor says, I AM NOT.
[Thumping]
A red-haired girl bumps into Conor.
The red-haired girl says, SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
[Paper rustling]
Jim holds papers and a staple gun.
Jim says, OKAY, FIX YOUR NUMBER ON. BUT TAKE YOUR TOP—
[Staple gun stapling]
Aoife staples the number 11 to her stomach.
Aoife says, OW!
Jim continues, OFF FIRST. THAT'S A LEVEL TWO LACERATION.
Aoife asks, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. WHO DO I COMPLAIN TO?
[Whooshing, background chattering, keys jingling, rhythmic music plays]
The Midvale school crest spins over students in front of the school. Conor leaves the school, and Brid meets him, holding out keys.
Brid says, YOU'LL HAVE TO LET YOURSELF IN, I HAVE A MINDFULNESS CLASS! I'M CURRENTLY THE BEST AT BEING RELAXED. OOH, WHO'S YOUR LITTLE FRIEND?
Clanger stands beside Conor.
Clanger says, I'M CLANGER. AND I'M NOT LITTLE.
Brid says, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT, CLANGY, MY MISTAKE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BACK WITH CONOR FOR SQUASH AND BISCUITS?
Clanger says, CAN'T, I HAVE A FOOTBALL MATCH. I'M THE GOALIE. I ALSO SCARE PEOPLE.
Brid says, GOOD FOR YOU.
Brid pinches Clanger’s cheek.
Brid says HEY, CONOR, WHY DON'T YOU TRY OUT FOR THE TEAM TOO?
Brid walks away.
Clanger says, I COULD DO WITH A HYPE MAN. PLUS, TEAM'S WORSHIPPED.
A boy with curly hair gives Clanger a bottle.
The curly-haired boy says, SPORTS DRINK FOR THE MATCH.
Conor says, JUST BEING RECOGNIZED IS COOL. SLIGHT ISSUE. I SUCK.
Clanger says, YEAH, I KNOW, I'VE SEEN YOU PLAY.
Conor asks, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET ME ON THE TEAM?
Clanger replies, IS MY HYPE MAN DOUBTING ME?
Conor says, NOT FOR A SECOND. CLANGY.
[Lid snapping, background chattering]
Conor punches Clanger’s arm and grabs the bottle. Clanger takes the bottle away and closes the lid.
[Whistle blaring, thudding, rustling]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The letters in the title fall. Outside the school, Mr. Holt shakes the hand of a tall boy with straight hair and gives him a football uniform. More uniforms and colourful vuvuzelas lie on a table beside him.
Mr. Holt says, WELL DONE, HUDSON, VERY GOOD TODAY. YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE A SPORTSMAN. YOU'RE VERY TALL NOW, DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY. HERE WE ARE.
[Background chattering, bike wheel rattling]
Aoife and Nyla walk beside Jim. The Vipers wear bright orange tank tops over their shirts.
Aoife says, BRAND-NEW KIT? WHY DON'T THE VIPERS GET GEAR LIKE THIS?
Nyla says, THOSE EXTRA PADDED SOCKS MAKE THE PLAYERS SOFT. BUT I'M LOVIN' THOSE FOOTBALL VUVUZELAS.
Jim says, MY SUGGESTION.
[Vuvuzela blaring, chuckling]
Jim takes a vuvuzela out of his bag and plays it.
Jim says, WELL, IT WAS BETWEEN THIS AND GIANT FOAM FINGERS.
[Boinging]
Mr. Holt holds up a red foam finger.
Jim says, AH, HE GOT BOTH!
[Jim chuckling]
Charlotte says, HOLT GETS THEM A NEW KIT EVERY YEAR. EVERY OTHER SPORT IS ON A LIST.
Nyla says, YEAH, WE'RE LINED UP FOR 2042.
Zara says, EVEN THEN, OUR SPONSOR WILL PROBABLY BE MR. SIMONS - OWNER OF THE BIG JOKE SHOP ON THE HIGH STREET.
[Cheerful music plays, slide whistle]
In front of The Big Joke Shop, Mr. Simons wears a costume that makes it appear that he’s riding a blue dinosaur. He smiles and lifts his cowboy hat.
In the school yard, Aoife says, I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
Aoife walks to Mr. Holt.
Aoife says, MR. HOLT.
[Upbeat music plays, background chattering]
Mr. Holt stops smiling.
Mr. Holt says, OH, MS. O'NEILL, WHAT TRIVIALITIES ARE ON TODAY'S AGENDA?
Aoife says, THE VIPERS SHOULD BE RESPECTED AS A PROPER TEAM AND GET DECENT GEAR.
Mr. Holt says, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE.
Aoife says, WAIT, REALLY?
Mr. Holt says, MM. JUST REMIND ME WHAT TITLES YOU'VE WON AND I'LL HAVE IT ARRANGED.
Aoife says, NOTHING JUST YET.
Mr. Holt says, OH, DO LET ME KNOW WHEN THAT CHANGES. RIGHT! TO THE BUS!
Mr. Holt walks to a bus, and the football team boards after him.
Aoife says, THEY GET A BUS?
Zara says, AOIFE, WE'RE GOING TO BE—
Behind the Vipers, Jessica plays with the tip of her braid.
Jessica says, LATE. BUT I WOULDN'T WORRY, THAT'S NON-REGULATION GEAR. I JUST CALLED THE REF TO INFORM HIM AND HE SAID COMETS GET A WALK-OVER.
[Needle scratching a record, hands slapping]
Aoife drops her hands against her sides.
Aoife says, AW, FIRST PROPER MATCH AND WE DON'T EVEN GET TO PLAY.
Jim says, YES! GREAT. THAT MEANS I CAN WATCH THE LADS' FOOTY.
Jessica says, AW, PITY. I DID ASK THE REF TO OVERLOOK IT, BUT WE ALL KNOW YOU GUYS AREN'T REALLY A SERIOUS TEAM.
[Aoife gasping, exhaling]
Aoife looks at Jessica and shakes her head.
[Whooshing, chattering]
Polka dots move across the screen. In the school cafeteria, cut-outs of Dylan and Sid stand beside a table with football uniforms. Jessic talks to three players nearby. Aoife sits alone at a table by a window.
Aoife tells us, IT'S THE FOOTBALL TEAM, THAT MEANS DYLAN SHOULD BE AROUND. USUALLY, WHEN I TALK TO A BOY, I HAVE SOMETHING DISGUSTING STUCK ON MY FACE.
[Slide whistle]
Aoife picks up her smartphone and turns her face from side to side as she looks at the screen.
Aoife tells us, CLEAR. GOOD TO GO.
Aoife picks up her dirty plate and walks to Jessica.
Aoife asks, HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN DYLAN AROUND?
Jessica says, HE'LL BE HERE SOON. I'M MINDING HIS NEW KIT FOR HIM. WHY?
Aoife says, OH, I JUST WANT TO SAY HI, YOU KNOW, TO THE REAL THING.
[Zapping]
Aoife leans against the Dylan cut-out.
Aoife tells us, ELECTRICITY.
Jessica asks, IS THAT... RIGATONI IN YOUR HAIR?
Aoife lifts a pigtail and discovers rigatoni in her hair.
Aoife says, AH. YEAH.
[Students laughing]
Aoife says, I WAS JUST...KEEPIN' IT FOR LATER.
[Thumping, clattering, everyone gasping]
A passing student bumps Aoife’s arm, and her leftover rigatoni splashes onto the shirt of the cut-out.
Jessica says, YOU'VE RUINED DYLAN'S NEW KIT!
Aoife says, IT'S FINE.
Aoife tells us, ISH.
Jessica says, NO, IT'S NOT. TEAM GEAR IS IMPORTANT. MEE-FA DOESN'T GET THAT.
Aoife says, UH, YEAH, I DO.
Jessica says, HOW COULD YOU? WEARING THAT RAG YOU HAD ON YESTERDAY?
Aoife says, THAT WAS JUST WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR OUR BRAND-NEW KIT TO ARRIVE. I'M SORTIN' IT MYSELF.
Charlotte says, OOH! CAN WE GET MATCHING CHIFFON NECK SCARVES FOR COLDER GYMS?
Aoife says, YEAH. AND... FUR-TRIMMED GLOVES.
[Charlotte gasping, hands clapping]
Charlotte puts her hands together excitedly.
Zara asks, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SORT ALL THIS? I'D LIKE TO SEE A HANDOUT.
Aoife tells us, TOTAL LIE INCOMING.
Aoife says, I'VE DONE IT BEFORE BACK HOME, AND I'LL BE HAPPY TO DO IT AGAIN FOR MY PROPER SERIOUS TEAM.
[Students applauding]
Aoife tells us, AND NOW TO ENJOY THEIR ADMIRATION.
Nyla asks, IS THAT RIGATONI IN YOUR HAIR?
[Jessica snickering, Aoife sighing, upbeat music plays]
Aoife discovers rigatoni in her other pigtail.
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. Clanger sits on a couch between two of his teammates, and Conor approaches behind him.
Conor asks, SO. WHEN DO I GET MY KIT, TEAMIE?
Clanger says, YEAH, NOT HAPPENING.
Conor says, BUT I-I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU COULD SWING IT.
Clanger says, HOLT IS BEING OFF WITH ME. I GOT IN A SPAT WITH THE REF AND NOW HOLT'S JUST GOT THE DENTIST BILL, SO.
Conor says, AH, RIGHT. WELL, LET'S SEE IF WE CAN THINK OF A PLAN B.
Conor moves to sit beside Clanger.
Mr. Holt says, OI! PLAYERS ONLY IN THIS AREA!
[Tray clunking]
A brown-haired woman wearing a green apron over her pink shirt puts a tray of smoothies on a coffee table beside a tray of cookies.
Mr. Holt says, THANK YOU, ANITA.
[Background chattering]
Conor looks down and licks his lips. Later, Conor holds a tray of sliced oranges inside the entry to the boys’ changing room.
Conor says, HERE WE ARE. GOOD JOB OUT THERE.
Mr. Holt arrives and stands beside Conor.
Conor says, I'M OFFERING MY SERVICE AS TEAM MOTIVATOR. INTERESTED?
Mr. Holt says, KIT BOY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
Conor says, GRATEFULLY ACCEPTED.
Mr. Holt points at Conor and says, LADS, DIRTY GEAR HERE.
[Whooshing, smacking]
Socks and jock straps hit Conor.
Conor says, MY EYES! IT'S STINGING MY EYES! CLANGER.
[Upbeat music plays]
Clanger says, OH. IT'S YOU.
Conor says, I CAME HERE WITH ORANGE SLICES AND MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES AND NOW I'M COVERED IN SWEATY SOCKS AND JOCKSTRAPS.
Clanger says, YEAH, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TO THE PIZZA PARTY LATER.
Conor says, PIZZA?
[Ball thumping]
Clanger walks to the wall and kicks a soccer ball from foot to foot.
Conor says, THAT'S IT. I NEED TO BECOME A PLAYER. I JUST NEED A PLAN.
[Ball thumping]
Conor looks at Clanger kicking the ball and smiles.
[Background rock music plays]
At home, Aoife looks at a uniform website on a laptop.
A person sings, BABY, WHAT YOU DOIN' TO ME?
Aoife tells us, SO SLIGHT PROBLEM. NEW KIT COSTS A LOT. BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION.
[Thunking]
Aoife sits on a counter beside an oven. Beside her, Brid wears an apron and reaches into the oven.
Aoife says, MUM, DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SEVERAL HUNDRED POUNDS TO SPARE?
Brid says, SURE, YEAH, JUST CHECK MY PURSE THERE.
Aoife asks, DO I DETECT SARCASM?
Brid replies, A SMIDGE.
[Tray clanking]
Brid takes cupcakes out of the oven and puts them on the stove.
Aoife says, OOH, WHO ARE THEY FOR?
Brid says, DON'T TOUCH. CUPCAKES FOR MY MINDFULNESS CLASS. WE'RE ABOUT NON-JUDGMENT, BUT YOU SHOULD'VE TASTED LINDA'S BATTENBERGS LAST WEEK.
[Brid retching]
Aoife tells us, THAT'S IT. THE VIPERS WILL GO DOOR TO DOOR SELLING DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. GENIUS. I MEAN, I'VE BAKED A BIT BEFORE. HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. In the kitchen, Aoife decorates iced cupcakes with chocolate squares, sprinkles, and chocolate-covered pretzels.
Aoife tells us, BOOM, BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT. BRING ON THE CASH.
[Smooching]
Aoife blows a kiss.
Aoife tells us, EASY.
At a door, a bearded man says, COME BACK WHEN YOU CAN PLAY A REAL SPORT LIKE DARTS! OR CURLING!
[Door slamming, rustling, upbeat music plays]
Charlotte and Nyla hold full cupcake pans, and Zara has a map.
Zara says, I'M ALMOST THROUGH MY DESIGNATED HOUSES AND I STILL HAVEN'T SOLD ONE CAKE.
Charlotte says, NOR ME. AND THIS CONSTANT BELL RINGING IS RUINING MY MANICURE.
Nyla says, AND I RECKON 10 STITCHES AFTER THE CHIHUAHUA INCIDENT.
Zara says, AOIFE SAID THIS WOULD BE EASY.
Aoife meets the other Vipers in front of a house.
Aoife says, COME ON, GIRLS, THIS IS THE HOUSE WHERE WE CAN SELL ALL THE CAKES.
Nyla says, I'VE SHED ENOUGH BLOOD FOR THIS.
Zara asks, IS THIS HOW IT WENT BACK HOME?
Aoife says, BACK HOME?
Zara asks, YOUR LAST FUNDRAISING PROJECT? DO YOU HAVE A REPORT I CAN SEE? A SIMPLE LOG OF EXPENDITURES AND REVENUE?
Aoife replies, UH... NOT EXACTLY.
Nyla says, YOU DID DO THIS BEFORE, AOIFE?
Aoife says, OF COURSE I DID. WHY WOULD I TELL A VERY HARMLESS LIE ABOUT THAT?
[Dramatic music swelling, fire sizzling]
Nyla stares at Aoife.
Aoife says, OKAY, IT MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUE.
Charlotte says, BROKEN PROMISES WOUND PEOPLE, AOIFE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY INVOLVE FASHION ACCESSORIES. WHY?
Zara says, TO IMPRESS DYLAN.
Aoife says, DYLAN? NO WAY. NO, COME ON.
[Footsteps thumping]
Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara walk away with their cupcakes and map.
Nyla says, HARD PASS, WE'RE DONE HERE.
Aoife says, DON'T GO, WE CAN STILL RAISE THE MONEY. JUST ONE MORE DOOR. PLEASE!
Zara taps Charlotte’s arm.
Zara says, NOT THIS ONE.
Aoife says, WE NEED THE GEAR.
The license plate on the car in the driveway reads, “I Holt.”
Nyla says, AOIFE. DON'T!
[Knocking, footsteps running]
Aoife says, NO BIG...
[Door clicking, background music plays]
Mr. Holt opens the door. He and Aoife both stop smiling when they see each other.
Aoife says, DEAL.
[Buzzer blaring, thudding, cheering, upbeat music notes play]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The letters in the title fall.
[Thumping, birds singing, the music stops]
In a backyard, Clanger lies on the grass and kicks a soccer ball from foot to foot.
Conor says, PERFECT. SO, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS POSITION OURSELVES NEAR HOLT AND MAKE HIM THINK HE'S SEEING MY SKILLS. THEN I'M STRAIGHT ON THE TEAM.
Clanger asks, BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO GET ON?
Conor replies, PEOPLE FINALLY RECOGNIZE MY EXISTENCE. AND THERE'LL BE PIZZAS AND COOKIES.
Clanger says, NO, I MEAN, HOLT WILL SOON FIND OUT THAT YOU SUCK!
Conor says, A-HA, SO I SIMPLY FAKE A SEASON-ENDING INJURY AND ENJOY THE RIDE.
Clanger asks, WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?
Conor replies, HELPING A FRIEND IN NEED?
Clanger says, 20 PERCENT KICKBACK ON ALL TEAM-RELATED PERKS.
Conor asks, FROM A REGULAR SMOOTHIE THAT'S AT LEAST SIX MOUTHFULS. WOULD YOU CONSIDER 10 PERCENT?
Clanger says, 19. FINAL OFFER.
Conor says, DEAL.
[Cash register cha-chinging, ball thumping, upbeat music notes play]
Clanger kicks the ball from foot to foot. Polka dots move across the screen.
At his front door, Mr. Holt says, USING THE SCHOOL NAME TO RAISE FUNDS WITHOUT PERMISSION?
Aoife tells us, JUST NEED TO USE MY NATURAL CHARM TO WIN HIM AROUND.
Aoife asks, WHAT MUSIC IS THAT? BOY-O-SPHERE? EARTH WARRIORS WITH HEAVENLY VOICES? MY MUM'S A BIG FAN.
[Mr. Holt typing, rustling, the music ends]
Mr. Holt types on his smartphone and puts it into his pocket.
Mr. Holt says, YOUR ATTEMPTS AT DISARMING ME ARE POINTLESS AND ALSO QUITE PATHETIC.
Aoife asks, OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT A DELICIOUS CUPCAKE THEN?
Mr. Holt says, THAT DOES LOOK...SURPRISINGLY GOOD.
[Paper rustling]
Mr. Holt eats the cupcake.
[Retching]
In his office at school, Mr. Holt leans over a wastebasket. Aoife, Zara, Nyla, and Charlotte stand on the other side of his desk.
Zara asks, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THOSE CAKES?
[Upbeat music plays, rustling]
In a flashback in her kitchen, Aoife picks up an empty flour sack.
Aoife says, EMPTY. OH, MUM.
Aoife looks at a large tub of mustard powder and shrugs. The flashback ends.
In his office, Mr. Holt says, I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID THAT YOU'D USE THE SCHOOL'S NAME TO SELL YOUR DECEPTIVELY WELL-DECORATED BUT ABSOLUTELY VILE CUPCAKES.
Aoife says, FIRSTLY, A, I'M GLAD WE BOTH AGREE THE CUPCAKES WERE WELL-DECORATED. BUT, B, WE HAD TO GET JOBS TO RAISE THE MONEY FOR THIS, AND WE HAD NO HELP FROM THE SCHOOL. AND 3, IT'S ABOUT TIME THE VIPERS WERE SHOWN SOME RESPECT.
Mr. Holt says, ARE YOU FINISHED?!
Aoife looks at the floor.
Aoife says, CAN I JUST SAY, THIS REMINDS ME OF A TIME THAT I HAD A BIG FRIED BREKKY FOLLOWED BY A SLICE OF BLACK FOREST AND THREW THE WHOLE THING UP.
[Retching]
Aoife says, AND IT WAS ALL BROWN AND CREAMY.
[Retching, vomit splashing]
Mr. Holt leans over the wastebasket.
Mr. Holt says, RIGHT. IF IT'S JOBS YOU WANT...
[Groaning, sweeping, upbeat music plays]
In the boys' change room, the Vipers sweep the floor.
Aoife says, ATHLETE'S FOOT SHAVINGS? ON THE UPSIDE, IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE.
A person sings, MY MIND'S GETTING SO, SO...
[Gagging, retching]
Zara, Charlotte, Nyla and Aoife scrub urinals.
Aoife says, BOYS' TOILETS. ON THE UPSIDE, IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE.
[Toilet flushing, groaning]
On the sports field, Aoife scoops up the dog feces.
[Football team laughing, Vipers retching, Aoife shuddering]
Aoife says, AHH!
[Slide whistle, thumping, boys laughing raucously, Jessica and her friend laughing, Aoife groaning, Jessica retching]
Aoife slips and falls. She sits up with feces smeared on the back of her head.
Aoife tells us, AND THAT'S HOW WE GOT HERE. THERE IS NO UPSIDE, THIS IS THE WORST.
[Upbeat music plays, popping]
Title: “High Hoops.”
The first letter 'O' in 'hoops' inflates and pops.
Later, the Vipers enter the gym.
Aoife says, OKAY, SO LET'S FORGET WHAT HAPPENED WITH A ROUSING TRAINING... SESSION. SIR?
[Sneakers squeaking]
Mr. Holt stands with his arms crossed as the football team stretches.
Mr. Holt says, IT'S POURING DOWN, WE NEED THE GYM.
Aoife says, BUT THIS IS OUR SLOT. JIM!
Jim says, YEAH, NOT MUCH WE CAN DO. ALWAYS FOOTY FIRST FOR HOLT.
Aoife says, BUT WE'RE IN THE LEAGUE NOW AND WE'RE A PROPER TEAM.
Clanger says, BUT WE ACTUALLY HAVE A CHANCE OF WINNING SOMETHING. POO GIRL.
[Football players laughing]
On the bleachers, Jessica sits between two friends. One brushes Jessica’s braid while the other paints Jessica’s fingernails.
Jessica says, IT'S IMPORTANT THEY GET SUPPORT. MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE THEM A BIG BOWL OF RIGATONI.
[Girls giggling]
Aoife tells us, ENOUGH. MY TEAM HAS BEEN INSULTED, MY IMAGE BATTERED. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE, OR I'LL FOREVER BE KNOWN AS THE RIGATONI POO GIRL.
[Splatting, foghorn music blaring, book cover thudding]
Aoife imagines a spread of student photographs in a yearbook. Everyone is identified by their name except her. An arrow points to her photograph, and the name reads, “Rigatoni-Poo Girl.” The daydream ends.
Aoife says, SIR. WE CHALLENGE YOUR LADS TO A BASKETBALL MATCH THIS FRIDAY.
[Girls in the bleachers giggling, rustling]
Zara says, AOIFE, THIS IS RECKLESS.
Aoife says, IF WE WIN, YOU BUY US NEW GEAR.
[Mr. Holt chuckling]
Mr. Holt says, NOT A CHANCE.
Aoife says, OKAY THEN. EVERYONE CAN WATCH, WE'LL CHARGE MONEY AT THE DOOR, AND THE WINNER CAN KEEP IT ALL.
Dylan smiles at Aoife.
Aoife tells us, I AM ON FIRE.
[Fire sizzling]
Mr. Holt says, WE COULD USE THE EXTRA CASH FOR MIDVALE BRANDED HIGHLIGHTER PENS. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
[Dramatic music sting, hand slapping]
Charlotte face palms.
[Rattling]
At school, Zara, Charlotte, and Nyla sit at a long table.
Zara says, HAS SHE EVEN CHECKED OUR STATS? WE HAVE NEVER WON A MATCH.
[Backpack clanking, rustling]
Nyla takes a textbook out of her backpack.
Charlotte says, THIS IS LIKE PAIRING ANKLE BOOTS WITH A LONG SKIRT, UTTER MADNESS.
Nyla says, I AGREE. ABOUT THE MATCH. I DON'T TAKE FASHION ADVICE. IF I WEAR IT, IT WORKS.
A red-haired librarian says, SHHH.
Zara says, THE LADS DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 3 V 3 IS. THEY CAN HARDLY DRIBBLE A BALL. SO, I MEAN, MAYBE WE'LL BE OKAY.
Nyla says, YEAH, EVEN AOIFE CAN'T MAKE THINGS ANY WORSE.
[Background chattering, soft music plays]
In the cafeteria, Aoife carries a tray. She stops and smiles when she notices Dylan talking to another boy.
Aoife tells us, KNEES JELLYING.
The other boy walks away, and Dylan stops Aoife as she walks by.
Dylan says, SO, UH, HEY. THANKS FOR PUTTING THE LAUNDRY DETERGENT ON MY DESK THE OTHER DAY. MUM SAID MY KIT CAME OUT FINE.
Aoife says, OH, PHEW. GREAT.
Aoife tells us, IT'S TRUE, I DID THAT.
Aoife says, ALSO, JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DON'T USUALLY HAVE POO OR RIGATONI IN MY HAIR.
[Dylan chuckling]
Dylan says, IS A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HEAR ANYONE SAY.
Aoife tells us, GORGEOUS AND FUNNY.
Dylan says, SO, UM, ARE WE ALLOWED TO TALK NOW THAT OUR TEAMS ARE ENEMIES?
Aoife says, I BELIEVE WE CAN MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
[Chairs squeaking, hearts bubbling, electricity zapping, heart splatting, snarling]
Aoife and Dylan sit together at a table. In animation, a red heart grows between. Jessica notices them and crosses her arms.
[Whooshing, upbeat music notes play]
The Midvale school crest spins over students in a hallway. In the school library, Mr. Holt talks to the red-haired librarian.
[The music stops]
Mr. Holt says, THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN, MARJORIE. SHEILA SHOULD BE OVER HER SHINGLES QUITE SOON.
[Students chattering]
In front of a window, Conor moves from side to side with a ball bouncing up in front of him.
The red-haired librarian, Marjorie, says, NO PROBLEM, MR. HOLT. SHUSHING KIDS IS WHAT I DO BEST.
Marjorie says, SHHH!
[Room quiets]
Marjorie says, SEE?
Mr. Holt says, MASTERFUL.
[Balls thumping]
Clanger lies on the floor in front of Conor, alternately throwing two soccer balls into the air. Conor pretends to bounce the balls on his feet.
Conor counts, 195. 196. 197.
Mr. Holt says, WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN?!
[Balls thumping]
Clanger drops the balls and rolls away.
Marjorie says, SHHH!
Mr. Holt says, SORRY.
Conor says, SORRY, SIR, I'M JUST TRYING TO BEAT MY RECORD OF 200 IN A ROW.
[Thumping]
Clanger puts an arm around Conor’s shoulders.
Clanger says, HE'S A BORN STRIKER!
Mr. Holt says, I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THIS. I'M EXPECTING MY NEW PLAYER ANY MOMENT NOW.
[Background chattering]
Conor says, A NEW PLAYER? BUT, SIR—
[Knocking]
Mr. Holt says, A-HA, THERE WE ARE.
Conor says, IT'S LIKE I'M NOT EVEN HERE.
[Thumping]
Clanger puts his hand on Conor’s shoulder.
[Horn honking]
Polka dots move across the screen. In the school parking lot, students hold flyers and walk away from Brid.
Brid says, SEE YOU THEN!
Brid gives a flyer to a passing student.
Brid says, TRY MINDFULNESS, IT'S GREAT FOR COMBATTING TEEN ANGST AND DISTR—OOH, HERE'S MY SON!
Clanger says, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE!
Conor says, WHAT? I WAS THE ONE WHO PUT IN ALL THE EFFORT, AND HOLT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE A LOOK.
Brid says, WAIT, YOU'VE BEEN PRACTICING AND MR. HOLT WON'T EVEN GIVE YOU A CHANCE?
Conor says, IT'S FINE, MUM, HONESTLY.
[Car alarm beeping]
Mr. Holt walks to his car.
Brid says, NO! HELLO!
Brid tells Conor, I WILL MAKE HIM TAKE A LOOK!
Brid strides towards Mr. Holt.
[Upbeat music plays]
The Midvale crest spins. In the parking lot, Mr. Holt leans against his car. Clanger and Brid watch Conor holding a soccer ball.
Brid says, COME ON, CONOR, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
A tall boy with short black hair says, HEY, IT'S THE FOOTBALL LADS.
The curly-haired boy asks, ARE YOU ON THE TEAM NOW?
Conor says, YES. YES, I AM.
The black-haired boy asks, ARE YOU GOING TO DO SOME SKILLS?
[Conor clearing his throat, sighing, background chattering
Conor looks at the soccer ball.
Conor says, YOU BETCHA. GET YOUR PHONE OUT, THIS IS GOING TO GO VIRAL.
[Phone chiming]
The black-haired boy points his smartphone at Conor.
Brid says, MAKE ME PROUD, SON.
[Dramatic music swelling, Conor sighing, thumping, whooshing]
Conor looks at Mr. Holt. Clanger nods. Conor kicks the ball, and it flies high above him. Conor looks up, and the ball lands on his face. Mr. Holt winces.
Conor says, UGH!
A boy says, UGH!
[Conor groaning, Brid nervously chuckling]
Conor’s nose bleeds, and Brid gives him a tissue.
Conor says, AH.
[Conor groaning]
Brid says, I'M NOT SURE HE MEANT TO DO THAT.
Mr. Holt says, OH, PLEASE.
Mr. Holt points at the parking lot by Conor.
Mr. Holt continues, WE'VE JUST HAD THIS BIT POWER WASHED.
[Car door clicking shut, car starting, upbeat music plays]
Mr. Holt gets into his car.
Brid says, OH, BOY-O-SPHERE! I LOVE THEM!
[Window whirring, tires squealing, engine humming]
Mr. Holt closes his window and drives away.
[Sad music plays]
At home, Conor and Aoife sit across from each other at a dining room table. Conor leans forward with his face on his plate.
Aoife tells us, IN THESE SITUATIONS, I FIND IT'S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO BE SENSITIVE.
Aoife says, POOR CONOR, NOT EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY CAN BE A SPORTING STAR. WHO KNOWS? YOU MAY BE REALLY EXCELLENT AT CROCHET. JUST THINK OF ALL THOSE LOVELY SHAWLS YOU COULD MAKE.
[Conor groaning, footsteps pattering]
Brid enters the room carrying plates.
Brid says, AOIFE.
[Plates clattering]
Aoife says, WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY?
Brid says, CONOR SHOULD HOLD HIS HEAD HIGH. HE WAS WILLING TO RISK FAILURE TO FULFIL HIS DREAM OF BEING A FOOTBALL PLAYER.
Conor sits up with a tissue in one of his nostrils.
Conor says, OKAY, WE GET IT.
Brid says, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
Aoife tells us, UH-OH, SHE'S OFF AGAIN.
Aoife rolls her eyes.
Brid says, I THINK WE SHOULD GO TO THIS BASKETBALL MATCH, GO AND WATCH THE FOOTBALL LADS, AND MAYBE PESTER MR. HOLT FOR ANOTHER TRIAL.
Conor says, HE WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS THERE.
Aoife says, COME ON, CONOR, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE PART OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE VIPERS ARE GOING TO TRASH THEM TOMORROW.
Aoife raises her eyebrows.
[Whooshing, dramatic music sting, beeping]
On the court, three football players stand side by side. Lines beside them show the “average height,” and the lines increase to “tall,” and then “enormous.” On the other side of the court, Aoife, Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara stare at the opposing team.
Aoife says, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THEM.
Dylan says, HOLT WANTED THE TALLEST PLAYERS. GOOD LUCK.
[Background chattering, footsteps pattering]
Dylan walks towards the bleachers.
Aoife says, LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE NERVOUS ABOUT THIS. THIS IS OUR TURF. THEY MAY BE SLIGHTLY MASSIVE, BUT THEY HAVE NOBODY TO MATCH OUR SKILLS.
Jessica walks onto the court and stands with the team of football players.
Zara says, JESS! HI. MY BESTIE.
Zara smiles and waves.
Aoife says, UH, WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY IS JESSICA HERE? SHE'S NOT ON YOUR TEAM.
Mr. Holt says, OH, SHE DID A TRIAL FOR THE TEAM YESTERDAY.
[Tape rewinding]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt says, I'M EXPECTING MY NEW PLAYER ANY MOMENT NOW.
[Knocking, thumping]
Mr. Holt opens the library door and throws a soccer ball to Jessica. She bounces it on her knee once.
Mr. Holt says, YOU'RE IN.
The flashback ends.
In the present, Mr. Holt says, SO, TECHNICALLY...
Aoife says, BUT THAT'S NOT FAIR.
Mr. Holt says, MM, RULES ARE RULES. GOOD LUCK.
[Snarling]
Mr. Holt smiles and gives two thumbs-up. Jessica bares her teeth. Aoife glances at Brid, and Brid shrugs.
Charlotte says, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY JESSICA WOULD PLAY WITH THE BOYS.
Zara says, SHE'S ALWAYS SO SUPPORTIVE OF US.
Nyla says, I KNOW A CLASSIC REVENGE MOVE WHEN I SEE ONE. SHE'S AN ICE-COLD ASSASSIN.
Charlotte asks, BUT WHO WOULD CROSS JESSICA?
Aoife and Dylan wave at each other.
Zara says, THIS IS ABOUT DYLAN.
Aoife says, WHAT?
Nyla says, YOU MADE IT WORSE.
Charlotte says, HE'S JESSICA'S EX. SHE STILL HAS DEEP FEELINGS FOR HIM.
Aoife glances at the other team, and Jessica stares at her.
Aoife says, I DIDN'T MAKE IT REMOTELY OBVIOUS THAT I FANCY HIM.
[Upbeat music plays]
A purple and pink star appears and spins. In a flashback in a classroom, a singagram wears a pink dress and pigtails. She plays a keyboard as Dylan stares at her, slack-jawed. In a different classroom, Aoife smiles.
The singagram sings, FORGET THE POO AND RIGATONI, YOU'LL BE MY ONE AND ONLY.
Aoife tells us, ONLY COST TWO MONTH'S POCKET MONEY.
In the present, Nyla and Zara glance at each other.
[Nyla chuckling]
Aoife says, YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.
Aoife tells us, FOR MOST OF IT.
Nyla says, YES, I CAN. I'M POINTING A GIANT FINGER FOR THIS MESS IN YOUR DIRECTION.
On the team bench, Jim holds up a foam finger.
Jim says, HERE. IT HAS SO MANY USES.
Nyla says, WE'RE DONE.
Zara says, SHE MEANS WE FORFEIT.
Aoife says, WHAT? YOU CAN'T BACK OUT NOW. NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE US SERIOUSLY.
Zara says, IF WE PLAY, IT WILL BE WORSE.
Charlotte says, WE'LL BE HUMILIATED. I'D RATHER WEAR DOUBLE DENIM, THANK YOU.
Aoife tells us, SO HERE'S THE REWIND.
[Tape rewinding, upbeat music plays]
In a flashback, Jim throws the shorts and stained shirts to Charlotte and Zara.
In the present, Aoife tells us, OUR KIT WAS THE WORST.
In the flashback, Aoife asks, WHAT ARE THESE?
In the present, Aoife tells us, THE SMELL...
In the flashback, Nyla says, RANCID EGG SALAD.
In the present, Aoife tells us, UNREAL. THEN THERE WAS THE STAPLING TRAUMA.
[Whooshing, staple gun clicking]
In a flashback, Aoife staples the paper to her stomach. Text reads, “Ouch.”
In the flashback, Aoife says, OW!
Jim says, THAT'S A LEVEL TWO LACERATION.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND JESS WAS LIKE...
[Whooshing]
In the flashback, Jessica says, WE ALL KNOW YOU GUYS AREN'T REALLY A SERIOUS TEAM.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND I WAS LIKE, "O.M.G."
[Whooshing]
In a flashback, a heart appears around Dylan’s star striker poster. In another flashback, Aoife watches Dylan stare at the singagram.
In the present, Aoife tells us, FIRSTLY DYLAN. SECONDLY, WE ARE A PROPER TEAM. AND THEN, HOLT WAS LIKE...
[Retching, splattering]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt leans over the wastebasket.
In the present, Aoife tells us, AND THEN THERE WAS THE RIGATONI POO INCIDENT.
[Slide whistle, whooshing, boys laughing, slide whistle, splattering, Jessica retching]
Drawings of rigatoni fall. In a flashback in the cafeteria, Aoife finds rigatoni in her hair. In another flashback on the sports field, Aoife slips on feces and falls. A flashback shows the three football players on the court with the word “Enormous.”
In the present, Aoife tells us, BUT I WAS LIKE, "VIPERS VERSUS FOOTBALL." AND THEN, HOLT WAS LIKE, "HERE'S JESSICA."
[Ball thumping, chiming]
In a flashback, Mr. Holt throws the ball to Jessica, and she bounces it once on her knee. The Comets' logo appears beside Jessica.
Mr. Holt says, YOU’RE IN.
In the present, Aoife tells us, SO, NOW I DECIDED TO DO THIS.
[Jim whispering, background chattering]
Jim, Zara, Nyla, and Charlotte gather by their bench. Aoife approaches and takes out a cupcake.
Nyla says, THE CAKE OF DEATH.
Aoife says, AND I'LL EAT IT JUST TO PROVE HOW SORRY I AM.
Zara says, SHE WON'T.
Aoife says, I WILL. IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
Charlotte says, SHE COULD DIE.
Nyla says, GO ON THEN.
Aoife tells us, WOW, THEY'RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
[Aoife exhaling, dramatic music building, Aoife exhaling]
Aoife opens her mouth, moves towards the cupcake, and then shakes her head. She puts it in her mouth.
Zara says, OKAY, OKAY, STOP.
[Aoife grunting]
Nyla says, FOR THAT FACE ALONE I'D DO ANYTHING. OKAY, WE'LL PLAY.
Zara says, WE'RE STILL GOING TO LOOK LIKE IDIOTS.
Charlotte says, BUT... WE'LL LOOK LIKE IDIOTS TOGETHER.
The Vipers cheer, YEAH!
Jim says, YES! YES!
[Splatting]
Pieces of the chewed cupcake fall out of Aoife’s mouth.
Aoife says, UH. OH.
[Aoife groaning]
Aoife says, OH, PLEASE, SOME WATER.
[Aoife groaning]
Charlotte mouths the word “Okay.”
[Whistle blowing, whooshing, hoop rattling, lively music plays]
Jessica sinks a basket.
Mr. Holt says, YES!
[Cheering, ball thumping, hoop banging]
A football player scores.
Mr. Holt says, YES!
[Clicking, cheering, ball thumping]
With 8 minutes and 18 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers, zero. Football, 9.” A second football player scores. On the bench, Charlotte covers her eyes with her hands and peeks through her fingers.
Jim says, RUN, RUN!
[Cheering, thumping]
Jessica sinks a basket. With 6 minutes and 49 seconds left, the score is “Vipers, zero. Football, 14.”
Mr. Holt says, EAT IT!
[Sneakers squeaking, lively music continues, ball thumping, hoop rattling]
Aoife passes the ball, and the first football player intercepts the throw. He passes it, and the second football player scores. Jessica scores.
Mr. Holt says, YES! YES!
[Clicking, cheering]
With 4 minutes and 36 seconds left, the score is “Vipers, zero. Football team, 19.”
Jim says, TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
[Whistle blowing]
The Vipers huddle with Jim.
Jim says, COME ON. AH, ALL RIGHT. WE NEED TO SWAP THE LINE OUT FOR A FEW QUICK TRIES.
Charlotte says, IT'S NO USE, THEY'RE TOO TALL, THEY MAKE US LOOK FUN-SIZED.
[Other team laughing]
Mr. Holt and Jessica look at the Vipers.
Aoife says, THAT'S IT, USE THEIR HEIGHT AGAINST THEM. THEY’RE BIG, WE GO QUICKER AND FASTER.
[Stomach grumbling]
Aoife says, OH.
[Tape rewinding, cupcake squelching, Aoife retching]
Aoife tells us, SLIGHTLY QUEASY.
Nyla says, SHE'S RIGHT, IT'S LIKE A MOSH PIT. WE DUCK AND DIVE.
[Hands slapping]
The Vipers put their hands on Jim’s.
Jim says, RIGHT, ON THREE. ONE, TWO, THREE.
The team cheers, VIPERS!
[Lively music plays, ball thumping, sneakers squeaking]
Polka dots move across the screen. On the court, Aoife takes the ball away from a football player and scores a basket.
A singer sings, I'M DOIN' ALL THE THINGS THAT I FEEL.
[Jim shouting, cheering, ball thumping, hoop rattling]
Charlotte dribbles the ball. She grits her teeth, slides between a football player’s legs, and sinks a basket.
Zara shouts, CHARLOTTE!
With 2 minutes and 44 seconds left, the scoreboard reads, “Vipers, 6. Football, 19.”
[Whooshing, thumping, cheering, happy shouting, clicking, thumping]
Charlotte passes the ball to Nyla, who scores. On the sidelines, Mr. Holt looks down. On the court, Aoife passes the ball to Charlotte, and she scores. Nyla passes the ball to Charlotte, she passes it to Aoife, and Aoife sinks a basket. With one minute and 52 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers 12. Football 19.” Aoife scores.
Mr. Holt whines, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
[Sneakers squeaking, ball thumping, basket rattling]
Aoife spins and catches the ball. She scores three more baskets.
The singer sings, I'M A WOMAN, I AM DOING.
[Cheering, screaming, hat rustling]
Mr. Holt throws his hat on the floor.
He asks, WHAT WAS THAT?
[Lively music continues, ball thumping]
With 58 seconds to go, the score reads, “Vipers, 20. Football, 19.” On the court, Charlotte dribbles the ball.
Nyla shouts, CHARLOTTE!
[Ball thudding, smacking, exclaiming, gasping, the music stops]
Charlotte shoots the ball, and it rebounds. Below, two football players collide.
The Vipers cheer, YES!
[Whistle blowing, applause]
The two football players lie on the floor, each holding a knee.
Nyla says, DOUBLE K.O. THEY'LL NEED A NEW PLAYER OR THIS GAME IS OURS.
[Hands slapping, sneakers squeaking]
Nyla and Aoife high-five. The two injured players limp to their bench.
Mr. Holt asks, WHAT WAS THAT? SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
[Footsteps thumping]
Mr. Holt walks to the football players on the bleachers.
Mr. Holt says, ALL RIGHT, LADS, WE NEED A PLAYER. OH, COME ON, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE LOSING. THERE'S BARELY A MINUTE LEFT.
Clanger says, CONOR WILL PLAY. BUT IF HE DOES, YOU HAVE TO LET HIM ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
Conor asks, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Clanger says, YOU CAN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN YOU ARE AT FOOTBALL.
Conor says, FAIR.
Clanger says, AND PLUS, IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO GO IN.
Mr. Holt says, YOU HELP US WIN, WE HAVE A DEAL.
[Rustling, thumping]
Conor takes off his uniform jacket, and Mr. Holt pats him on the shoulder.
Mr. Holt says, GET THE BALL IN THE HOOP.
Conor nods and runs onto the court.
Aoife says, CONOR? CONOR'S GOING TO PLAY?
By the bench, Zara says, WE'RE A POINT UP. ONCE WE GET THE BALL, JUST KEEP HOLD OF IT.
Brid whispers, AOIFE, TAKE IT EASY ON HIM, OKAY?
[Sneakers squeaking]
Nearby, Conor catches a pass.
Zara says, AOIFE, MARK HIM.
Aoife stands still and looks at Zara.
Aoife says, LET HIM HAVE HIS SHOT AT GLORY, HE'LL NEVER GET IT IN ANYWAY.
[Serious music swelling]
Conor looks down at the basketball. In a flashback, Conor stands in the parking lot, looking down at the soccer ball.
Brid says, MAKE ME PROUD, SON.
[Conor sighing, thumping, slide whistle, smacking]
Conor kicks the ball up, and it lands on his face.
Conor says, UGH!
The flashback ends.
[Serious music plays, sneakers squeaking, whooshing, slide whistle, banging]
The crowd watches quietly in the bleachers. Conor throws the ball, and it bounces on the rim and falls into the basket.
[Buzzer blaring, cheering, applause]
Mr. Holt holds up his arms and runs.
Clanger shouts, YES, YES, YES!
Aoife cheers, YES.
[Cheering, laughing, applause]
Conor looks around, smiling. Mr. Holt runs to the bleachers and waves his hat. With 10 seconds left, the score reads, “Vipers, 20. Football, 21.” Aoife stops smiling.
Aoife says, HANG ON. THEY'VE WON.
Jim says, UGH.
Zara says, WHAT?
Jessica walks to Aoife and smiles.
Jessica says, WHAT A FUN MATCH. HARD LUCK.
Aoife tells us, I WOULD HAVE A SASSY COMEBACK BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED TO...
[Aoife retching, vomit splattering, Jessica screaming]
Aoife vomits on Jessica.
Aoife says, WHOOPS.
[Upbeat music plays, whooshing]
Title: “High Hoops.”
A basketball hoop hangs beneath the first letter 'O' in 'hoops’, and a basketball falls into it. By the bleachers, Clanger offers Conor a football uniform.
Clanger says, I NOW DUB THEE ON THE TEAM.
[The football team applauding, background chattering]
A brown-haired boy gives Conor an energy drink.
Conor says, YES. VALIDATION AT LAST. WHEN'S THE NEXT PIZZA PARTY?
[Thumping]
Clanger puts his hand on Conor’s shoulder.
Clanger says, NOW. BUT ALL NEWBIES HAVE PITCH POO DUTY. AND AOIFE LEFT A HEFTY LOAD OUT THERE THE OTHER DAY, MATE.
[Coins clattering]
At a small table, Mr. Holt puts coins in a money box. Behind him, a caretaker mops the floor. A sign on the table reads, “Ticket Prices. Child, 3 pounds. Adult, 5 pounds.”
Brid says, I'M SURE A FELLOW BOY-O-SPHERE FAN COULD SPARE A BIT FOR THE GIRLS.
Mr. Holt says, OH. IS THERE WHERE YOU BLACKMAIL ME BY THREATENING TO TELL EVERYONE I LIKE BOY-O-SPHERE? WELL, THEY WRITE PERFECTLY-CRAFTED LOVE SONGS AND I, FOR ONE, AM NOT ASHAMED.
The caretaker glances at Mr. Holt.
Brid says, NOT BLACKMAIL, BRIBERY. I HAPPEN TO HAVE A RARE COPY OF THEIR SAVIOURS OF THE PLANET ALBUM.
Brid holds the album, and Mr. Holt stares at it, wide-eyed. Brid raises her eyebrows.
[Whooshing, upbeat music plays]
The Midvale school crest spins over aerial video footage of the students walking outside the school. Inside, Aoife carries a large box down a hallway.
Aoife says, CHECK IT OUT! OUR BRAND-NEW GEAR!
[Background chattering, box thumping]
Aoife puts the box on the floor, and Jessica approaches behind Nyla, Charlotte, and Zara.
Jessica says, GOOD FOR YOU. I'D FEEL AWFUL IF I'D MADE MY TEAM LOSE LIKE YOU DID.
Aoife holds a purple Vipers sweater.
Aoife says, WELL, MY TEAMIES STILL LOVE ME BECAUSE I'VE SORTED OUT THIS AMAZING NEW GEAR WITH JIM, NOW THE VIPERS WILL HAVE TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
Aoife looks at the back of the sweater and stops smiling. She turns it, and text on the back reads, “The Big Joke Shop.”
Jim says, AH, YES, THE... DOOR TAKINGS DIDN'T QUITE COVER IT, SO I ASKED MR. SIMONS TO FUND THE REST. NOW, IF YOU'LL ALL JUST LINE UP FOR A PHOTO.
[Upbeat music plays]
Mr. Simons arrives smiling, wearing a headband with an axe on his head.
[Aoife sighing, students laughing, camera shutter snapping]
Jim gives Jessica a smartphone, and she takes a photograph of the team posing with Jim and Mr. Simons. Aoife turns the sweater so that “The Big Joke Shop” shows. Aoife face palms.
[Upbeat music plays, thumping]
Singers sing, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO.
In an animation, a basketball bounces off a net. The ball lands in the basket. A second ball bounces off the rim of the net. A basketball falls into the net.
End credits. Cast in order of appearance: Aoife, Darci Hull. Clanger, Dylan Lakhanpaul. Jim, Nigel Boyle. Nyla, Frankie-Jae Simmonds. Charlotte, Ella Bernstein. Conor, Arthur Kay. Brid, Isy Suttie. Zara, Isha Kaur Athwal. Jessica, Bea Ward. Dylan, Lucas Hodgson-Wale. The Librarian, Charlotte Henderson. Angry Man, Trevor Fleming. Singagram, Alice Way. Special thanks Calderdale College. Executive Producer for B.B.C., Anita Burgess, Melissa Hardinge. Executive Producer, Rebecca Papworth. Logos: Can Can Productions Limited for B.B.C. Copyright Can Can Productions 2024. Filmed in West Yorkshire. Logo: A.P.C. Kids.
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